[Previously on... you know, if you missed "The Next Chapter Beginning"
but if you read it already, then good on you... here is the rest... ]
but if you read it already, then good on you... here is the rest... ]
“Be afraid, be very afraid.”
“Be afraid of what?” I ask.
“You’ll want to light a match before going in there,” Kris Jenner warned as she exited the pod. “I had Mexican last night,” she added with a deep and low belch. “So, Joey, are we gonna do this or what?”
“Look, Kris, I told you, I’m not making a sex tape with any of your daughters.” Joseph said.
“Yeah, bitch, now step off! He don’t care if your shows ratings are taking a dive,” I added just because.
“Okay, fine,” she said, scowling at me as she put on her purple zebra print hat. “You should probably call a plumber,” she added, pointing toward the pod with her pimp cane as she made her exit. Joseph started feverishly opening windows as the smell of Kris Jenner’s butt abortions started to seep into the room.
“I’m going to, uhm, step out for a quick smoke,” I say, pinching my nose. As I opened the front door I was greeted by some little kid wearing one of those small town sheriff hats.
“Hi, I’m Carl,” the kid said as he cheerily introduced himself. I was already annoyed by him.
“Hey kid, nice to meet you,” I say, “but if you’ll excuse me, I need to go buy some cigarettes to pretend to smoke.”
“My Mom told me to stay at the house.”
“Uhm, okay. So then you should probably be at ‘the house…’” I trail off giving him the universal “Duh, now get out of my way” look.
“I went to the barn even though they told me not to, and that I was supposed to stay at the house.”
“So naturally, you left,” I say, wondering if he isn’t a little touched in the head. “So, why don't you show me where the nearest liquor store is?”
We’re half way to the liquor store when a strange looking man creeps out of the shadows, clutching a plain black box that has a single red button on the top.
“If you push this button,” he says, holding the box out to me, “I’ll give you a million dollars, but--” he started, but I had already pushed the button.
“You owe me one million clams, sucka!” I squeal. “WHAT WHAT!? Suck on that Carl!”
“You have to let me finish what I was saying first, then, you can decide to push the button,” the man said.
“Fine, get on with it,” I say, waving my hand at him while thinking of all of the jet packs that I’m totally going to buy with a million dollars.
“If you push this button, I’ll give you a million dollars, but” he said, holding hand over the button before I could push it again. Which I was totally going to do, “somebody you don’t know, somewhere, is going to die.”
“Whatevs!” I say, pushing the button. “Now make with the million bucks.” The man then opens the side of the box to reveal a large “0” written in gold glitter on the inside.
“Aw, too bad, you shoulda called the Banker,” he says with an evil cackle. I begin to protest when he turns to Kris Jenner, who had been following us down the street trying desperately to get us to look at her, and offers her the same deal. She smiles at me maliciously, well, I assume it was malice, it could have been her shitty plastic surgery, and just as she pushes the button, I feel my heart stop…
No comments:
Post a Comment