So I was scouting out locations for Sue Grafton's new novel "U is for Utili-kilt," its a murder mystery, of course, that takes place in a queer bar. She hired me to find some bars with great local color that would be easy enough for her to hash out descriptions of with her Funk & Wagnall's Thesaurus. She pays me in Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf gift cards, so its all good.
I was checking out one called the Kitty Kat Klub, I had heard about it through the grapevine, but its kinda hard to find because they only have the initials on the door. Anywho, turns out is was lezzie night, I swear, you couldn't swing a cat without knocking off some chicks baseball hat. So I was scoping the place out when I spied a kiddy pool filled with whipped cream and the Bush Twins totally scamming on each other.
"Scissor Me Timbers!" I screamed.
"Oh stop, its no big deal," Jenna, or was it Barbara, said.
"Since when is incest no big deal?" I mused.
"We're just here to act as a distraction to the nation while Daddy starts war with Iran."
"What?!?!" I cried.
"Yeah, while the tabloids are all going on about how nasty we are, he'll be starting World War III," one of them said.
"So we're not really lezbos, we're just proud Americans doing what we need to do to protect this country from non-existent threats," the other added.
"The only way you'll protect this country is to get your Daddy out of office. Besides your plan will never work! Americans aren't that stupid, they'll never let that happen... again." I said just as Asimo the Robot walked in with a group of journalists in tow.
"Look at these girls, these dirty dirty girls." Asimo said with its cold robotic voice.
"Mom, you were supposed to let us know before you brought them in," said Jenna-Barbara.
"Yeah, so we could make sure we were really nasty, you know, like at the end of requiem for a Dream'," said Barbara-Jenna.
"Shut up you stu-pid whores and just make out, Dan Rather is growing impatiant," Asimo said.
"Dan, don't you see," I implored, "they're just trying to sucker you into some bogus story here!"
"Dan would rather look at the hot chicks making out," he said in the third person.
"But they're not even hot!" I cried and fell to my knees, then quitely repeated through the sobs "They're not even hot... "
So when I saw "Nasty Bush Twins Hot Make Out Session" on the headline of the New York Post, and the story about how Iran has not had an active nuclear program since 2003 relegated to "Page 6", I couldn't help but wonder how difficult is it to get Canadian citizenship, though they'd probably make me say my 'o's all fucked up, I just couldn't do that... damn Canucks.
