I had the strangest conversation last night with my
friend Helen [Helen Mirren for those of you who aren't in the know, Dame Helen Mirren for you Brits. We met on
the set of Caligula. I was young and naïve at the time, but I'll tell you, if
Polanski had edited that film, my scene would have never been cut!].
Anywho, I rang her up because I finally watched wanted the remake of "Prime Suspect" and wanted to get her take on it.
"It's rubbish," she dismissed.
"Really? I think Maria Bello is actually pretty
good. I mean, of course she's no you," I added.
"Well to be quite honest, I haven't seen it," she said, her attention was clearly focused on something else.
"What are you doing? Polishing your Oscar?" I
chuckled. Okay it was a bit of a forced chuckle, cut a bitch some slack, it was
late and I wasn't quite on my game but felt like I needed to say something
mildly humorous. I tell you what, it would have went over well with the "Two and a half
Men" crowd, they're a less discerning crowd.
"Well," she started, "I have this great
business idea! It's gonna be worth a million!"
"What is it this time," I asked. I swear, this
bitch is always has some "money making" plot in motion, must be that
Russian blood in her. I mean it, if you ever want a great capitalist idea, ask
a Red! No joke!
"So, the most successful ideas are always ones that
fill a void in the market. That's the key, right? Finding the void and telling
people they need to fill it. Total capitalism 101, right?"
"Uh, huh," I say, already bored to tears. I really just wanted to talk about the fall TV line-up.
"One of the most profitable industries is the porn
industry, and I've found the perfect void to fill!"
"Oh do tell!" I perked up, glazing over the
opportunity to make a crack about filling a void. Besides, you know how
much a bitch likes to talk about nasty stuff. I couldn't wait to hear what
kinda freaky shit she was getting into, because what can't you find out there
on the interwebs?
"So I've started making porno" she said matter-of-factly.
"Really?" I said, a bit confused. Not to slag
on Helen, she is super foxy, but they already have old lady porn. This wasn't
really supplying to a non-existent demand.
"Yes! I'm making pornography for asexuals!"
I was speechless and not to mention super confused. She
wanted me to check out the beta website while she had me on the phone.
"OH, yes, I see," I said after I pulled up the
link.
"So what you've done here is just pasted your
picture over images in the JCPenny catalog," I observed.
"Genius isn't it!?!" her voice glowing.
"I've already got 360 people signed up for twenty bucks a month, with automatic
billing! And we're not even out of the beta phase yet!"
"WOW, that's fantastic! So, how can I get in on this
action!?!" I asked, genuinely excited. She began to laugh, and I chuckled a little. Then I dropped my voice to a serious tone. "No, really, I want in," I said, but she just kept
on laughing. I guess that answered that.
