If you touch it I'ma start some drama

Let me set the scene for you: Just got paid, Friday Night, the party was going to be bumpin. I went over to my friend Pygar's condo to help him get ready. He has this posh penthouse at the Long Beach Aqua building. He is always putting together the most random out fits, total haute couture stuff, but his hair is always a mess, pretty much because he is blind as a bat [sans the echolocation]. I used to get there around seven, but showed up around nine. I was tapering the growler, and since it had been a while, it took me a little longer than usual. I was just about to knock on the door when it opened, Pygar's angelic voice inviting me in.

"How'd you know it was me?" I asked and I walked into the living room where he was seated sipping on an Apple Martini. He was wearing these brown chords with some ambisexual blouse that was so bright that I had to squint to look directly at it. As usual, his beautiful blonde hair looked as if he had just gotten out of bed.

"You forget, Frau, I am an angel." He answered calmly.

"Yeah, but it still kinda creeps me out. Not that yer an angel, I totally have friends who are angels, and it doesn't bother me, but that you knew before I even knocked."

"Oh, Frau Bella, you should have no worries when I am near" His voice soothed like a shot of Irish Crème. "Chi-Chi, Frau is here, come and say hello." He called out with quiet grace. A moment later, Chi-Chi, Pygar's seeing-eye Puggle, walked in and came over to me, licking my boot before sitting next to Pygar. "Good, girl."

"Well, lets get started on that birds nest you call a head!" I quipped. After a laborious hour of combing and spraying, the place smelled of Aqua Net and Aussie, but all of my hard work paid off, and his hair appeared to be an effortless mess, almost as if he had just gotten out of bed and said to himself "I'm too cool to waste time combing my hair."

"Tonight is going to be so much fun! I called Britney Spears and told her it was going to be an 'Alien 3' themed party and that she needed to shave her head or else they wouldn't let her in! Man, is she gullible!" I said as we got into the elevator and both laughed. Pygar moved to the back of the elevator with Chi-Chi sitting quietly by his side. "So are you going to totally hook up with some chicks to scam on?"

"I do not understand, 'scam on?'"

"You know, like, make love!"

"Make Love? I do not understand." He said with a calm innocent confusion as the elevator slowed halfway into our decent to the lobby. The doors opened to a wreck of a woman standing there with a soiled shirt and a twig stuck in her hair. Next to her was a fat lump of a dog breathing so heavily it would have made an obscene phone caller blush.

"Oh that's that dog that bites." She growled at Pygar.

"Madame, you must have Chi-Chi confused with some other dog." Pygar said.

"Oh really?" She said, contemptuously glancing between us while getting into the elevator. The doors had just closed when she made a barking sound and a growl. "See, your dog just bit mine!" She yelled, mashing the elevator buttons with her palm to get off on the next floor.

"Chi-Chi did no such thing." Pygar said with quiet defense.

"Yes it did, and now my little dumpling is bleeding all over." She said. I was shocked silent at her mad rambling as I looked from her unscathed slab of meat she called a dog back to the twig sticking out of her hair. "I hope your dog has rabies!" she said as the doors opened and she stepped out.

"Fuck you, you fucking dumb ass bitch cunting whore!" Pygar yelled. "I hope you get fucking ass raped, lord knows that cunt of yours if full of cobwebs!" He managed to say before the doors closed and we began our decent again. "As I was saying," his voice the picture of calm again, "Angels don't make love, Frau Bella, they are love."

Huh... ?

Now, I can't deny that everyone wants a piece of Frau Pie, and really, I can't blame them, this is some high grade puddin'... but sometimes, I just get so very confused by people who don't seem to understand The Frau, no matter how much I try to give them a coupon to buy a clue...

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Robert
Date: Feb 13, 2007 11:17 AM
Check out my profile and hope you like and want to know me better. I see that you have Sun in Pisces. My Sun is in Pisces. My Moon is in Virgo, Taurus is Rising, Venus in Acquarius and Mars in Gemini. Do you know what your Rising Sign, Moon, Venus and Mars are? If not I can calcualte these. I just want to use astrology as one way for us to get to know each oher better. I hope I hear from you soon.

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From: Frau Bella
Date: Feb 13, 2007 12:20 PM
I don't have a son, I don't know who you've been talking too... but I know a certain adoption agency that was paid good money to keep their mouths shut...

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From: Robert
Date: Feb 13, 2007 6:20 PM
I was not referring to you about any son you may or may not have. I was referring to your Sun Sign as in astrology. I am interested in getting to know you personally for a friendship. I have no hidden information about except for what is in your profile.

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From: Frau Bella
Date: Feb 15, 2007 8:57 AM
Thats right, we shall speak of it no more... now whats this about astroglide? You little minx you!

Truly Outrageous...

So I was at the Grammy's this past weekend trying to drum up interest in my "Gem and The Holograms" cover band [Alison Goldfrapp was slated to be Kimber but she refused to participate unless she got to be Synergy, I reluctantly agreed, bitch is always trying to upstage me]. I had a fabulous dress made out of my demo CDs, so that when ever I bumped into a high profile producer, I just plucked one off the bottom of my dress and nonchalantly handed it to him. Once word got out that I was there, my demo became the hot ticket and my dress quickly became a mini skirt.

Ma' Knowles emerged from a dark corner corner like an evil Skeksis and scuttled over to Beyonce and whispered in her ear while pointing over at me. Beyonce grew red with anger but tried to maintain her cool as she walked over to me. I smiled and winked, which I knew caused her to rage on the inside. She is such a sociopath clinging on to that mask of sanity.

"Look, Frau," She started in quietly, "there is only room from one hoochie in the spotlight tonight, and that's me."

"Really? Does that mean Christina Aguilera isn't going to be here?" I replied. She scowled, silently looking me up and down. Then with her laser beam eyes, she quickly recorded over all of my demos.

"There you go, bitch, see how many people want a copy of Color Me Badd's come back album!" She began to cackle manically as my entourage of interested producers began to quickly disband.

"You little cunt!" I screamed as I lunged for her. I needed some quick P.R. now, and figured my beating Beyonce's ass was as good as it was going to get. Unfortunately, at that moment Tara Reid came walking in, and all of the journalists quickly focused their cameras on her tit that has just alighted from her top... again. Refusing to be defeated before I could even land a blow, I pulled Beyonce's hair so hard that I ripped it clean off her head while I kicked her to the floor. Triumphantly, like a warrior who had just claimed his enemy's scalp, I held it up for the crowd to see. This only seemed to encourage her laughter. I looked down at her bald ass laying there laughing, and then I realized that it was just a wig. I turned and ran, all the while, Beyonce's maddening laughter echoed through out my skull.

I was a distraught wreck, until a hour later, when Robbie Williams offered me some prescription drugs to console me. That began our two day bender of sex and drugs, but he couldn't keep up with the Frau. Many have tried, and they always end up in rehab after the first day. I do have to give Robbie credit for making through two days. I'll have to send him some flowers... or a carton of cigarettes.