A new fitness experience...

Bitches always be askin, "Frau, how come you always looking so fine and fierce?" I know I make it look effortless, but it takes a lot of work to look this fly. I thought it was going to be hard once I had to close my gym membership [fucking Drew Barrymore] and I tried all of the fad workouts [screw P90X... and Insanity is just crazy!]. 

Then I met a very special lady named Joanna Rohrback. It was like meeting my special spirit animal high up in some exotic mountains somewhere in the Ancient Orient... I was skeptical at first, I mean who wouldn't be, she insisted we meet at Lincoln Park near the Japanese garden [hence my previous Ancient Orient analogy, I know, it was a bit of a stretch but at least you can see where I was able to draw a line]. Once we started, it was like the clouds parted [which they did, because the marine layer started to burn off] and I was exposed to a whole new approach that unified both mind and body in the ultimate fitness experience. I felt like was was on "E," but without all of those annoying PLUR kids. I literally [figuratively] transcended. Who needs an over priced gym membership, when you can Prancercise! 

And then, as if the gift of Prancercise was not enough, Joanna Rohrback showed me how to twerk like I've never seen a bitch twerk before! Thank you, Joanna, thank you for this gift!

One of those days...

... has this ever happened to you, where you are out and about and you see some woman out of the corner of your eye, and thats not really your deal, but she is looking kinda fine, rocking some hot side boob and all... and you think to yourself, these scissors don't cut that way, but damn, if I were to ever scissor up a bitch, it would be that fine piece of over there... so you turn to fully check her out, because why not, and then you realize that the fine piece you've spied is actually your reflection in a shop window... and then you giggle and wink at your reflection... ug, that's the kinda day I've had... !

Reduce, Recycle, Reuse...

Everyone knows that I’m very environmentally conscious… I mean, it was Earth Day last month and all! On which I spent the whole day gathering cans to recycle. Granted it was pretty easy [I found tons of shopping carts near Downtown just filled with them!], but still what were you doing on the 10th of last month? That’s right, not loving mother Earth like this bitch loves a mother. I’m not saying that I’m better than you, but that’s all I’m saying.

So when I was at the recycle center I was also dropping off my old Gateway Computer to recycle. What can I say, I’m a sucker for cow print packaging… it makes me giggle… cows the shape of boxes… that shit is hilarious! Anywho, the guy was all, “we don’t recycle electronics, you have to take it to a special electronics recycling center,” and he directed me to some place in Wilmington called “Totally Legit eRecycling.” Which sounded legit to me, and off I went.

“So you guys wipe the hard drives and stuff, you know, before you ship this stuff out to be dismantled by children in India, right?” I ask the guy as I plop my computer on the counter.

“Yes, of course, of course,” the gentleman said, sliding the computer toward his side of the counter with a smile.

“Do you ever wonder how their deft little hands know just where to find all of that tiny copper wiring,” I mused to the man. He stared at me blankly. “You know, for the recycling.”

“Yes, of course, of course,” he said.

“Now, you are sure that you guys wipe the hard drives, right?”

“Yes, of course, of course,” he reassured me. Which didn't really reassure me, but the place seemed legit, after all, it was in their name. And if you can’t have faith that businesses are going to look out for you, then what do we have?

So fast forward, the sun in shining and I’m feeling pretty damned good about myself, then I remember all that recycling I did, and I feel even better! Until I get a text from my BFF, Pygar, directing me to some website called “Naked White Bitch Bathroom Selfies.net” and that there is totally a picture of me there. Which I think is impossible, because I only ever took one bathroom selfie [which I was going to sext to Channing Tatum but he keeps changing his number... it’s a little game we play, him and I], and that pic was on my old computer that I had recycled. So there is no way that it could be me, because the guy at the eRecycling place assured me that they'd wipe the drive. Of course, I go to the site to verify this forgery, but then blam, there it is!

Oh well... at least I wasn't making a "duck face"... then I'd really be embarrassed.

P.S. Look at me, Channing. It's all for you!