I was scanning for a job in the LA Weekly when I found one looking for an Au Pair. "I have a great pair," I thought to myself and rang up for an interview. Surely this will be the easiest job I've ever had! I put on my Versace blouse, the one that really shows off my pair. Sure it wasn't a real Versace, and I had my seamstress friend Erin make it for me. She is a wiz with the Handy-stitch. But it was pretty passable, nothing like that horrible shirt that Lisa Bonnet made for Theo that one time.
Anywho. I show up at the house, its like in Beverly Hills or Westwood or something. I don't really know, as I am too concerned about making sure my pair is in absolutely perfect placement. After one final quick adjustment, I walk up and ring the bell. Curiously, the door swings open but nobody is there. I peer into the darkness of the foyer, but can see nothing.
"What are your crimes?" I hear a voice call up to me. Startled, I look around, and then finally down.
"Oh, aren't you Tim Cruise?"
"Its Tom!"
"Oh, does it really matter Tim? You kind of self-destructed. I hear Paramount dropped you like Xenu after the huge financial disappointment of Mission Impossible III, do you really think people are going to care too much? You should probably just get used to it, don'tcha think, Tim?" He quietly glared up at me. "Now that's the spirit! Anywho, I'm here for the pair job." I say as I bend down to show him my fantastic cleavage.
"You are going to have to talk to Katie, my wife, whom I've had sex with numerous times, heterosexual sex, we made a baby! I have an appointment with Lindsay Lohan. I'm going to get her off of drugs and alcohol and on to the clear path." I laugh out loud, but then realize he is serious.
"Well aren't you just the cutest little thing!" I say as I get down on one knee to kiss him on the cheek. "You have fun with your little friends, Timmy!"
"Ew, girl cooties!" He cries out, and stomps down the walkway to his waiting chauffer. I wait for a moment, and the decide to let myself in. Naturally, I am looking for stuff to swipe, when Katie walks in the room. She looks kinda down, but is dressed pretty nice. She has on this cute little dress, it almost looks like a Gucci, but not as tacky. She is also wearing this hideous anklet, its really clunky and has a couple of flashing lights on it. Its a little too cyber-punk, and doesn't really go with the outfit. Poor thing, I don't have the heart to tell her.
"Are you here for the Au Pair job?" She asks.
"Yeah, but I want to be upfront and let you know that these scissors don't cut that way," I say as I lean forward to show her my wonderful pair.
"I'm sorry to have to be deceptive, but there isn't really an Au Pair job," I knew it, bitch is just jealous cause clearly I got her share. Why do women always gotta hate a sista cause she got a bigger pair? "What I really need you to do is get these letters to my family. I can't leave the house." She points down to her anklet. I can't help but to sympathize, I wouldn't be caught dead outside with something that ugly either.
We are interrupted by the sudden wail of a baby. Katie then runs into the other room and returns with a beautiful little mulatto baby.
"Aw, isn't she the cutest little thing! Who is the daddy?" I ask.
"Why, Tom, of course." says that chick from 'King of Queens' as she walk in.
"No really?" I giggle.
"Its TOM. Isn't it Katie?" She replies, glaring over at Katie.
"Sure." Katie robotically answers.
"Oh... well... okay then." I play along. "So where are these letters you want me to drop off for you?" A terrified look crosses Katie's face. Maybe she doesn't have any stamps or something. "If you need some stamps, I can lend you some" I offer.
"That's okay," the 'King of Queens' chick says as she puts her arm around me and leads me back to the front door, "I'll lend Katie the stamps and drop the letters off for her." I look over my shoulder back to Katie. She looks terrified. The house seemed to darken around her, almost engulfing her. Then I spy a tiny little vase sitting on a sideboard. "Shit, I totally could have stuck that in my purse!" I thought as the door slammed behind me.
