Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Silence is Golden

I had heard everyone going on about this “Black Swan” movie, so I figured I’d go check it out with the gift card I had gotten for Christmas. Generally speaking, I hate gift cards, just give me cash, you know? Then I don’t have to go to some lame store that you happened to have been at when you thought you’d pick me up a present. I mean really, when the hell am I going to go to effing Walmart. Have you seen those people?!? Well, at least I could use a movie gift card.

Anywho, so I’m watchin’ the movie, and Princess Amidala is like freaking out and touching herself where her bathing suit covers when this lady behind me starts talking at full volume to the person next to her. I turn and give her “the look,” you know, the look that says “shut up, you inconsiderate whore.” But she keeps right on talking. So of course I fully turn around in my seat in order to properly turn up the glare. She glances at me but doesn’t stop talking.

“Are you kidding me with this?” I ask.

“Aye, guera, whats your problem?” she said with a sneer.

“I understand that this may be a new experience for you, you know, actually going out to watch a movie in an actual theatre, rather than a DVD in the backseat of your “sancho’s” Escalade, but we, the audience, neither need nor want, to hear your conversation. In fact, it’s what we, polite society, refer to as a common courtesy. Now kindly, shut the fuck up.”

“Do we need to take this outside?”

“No, you need to take it outside.” I said as I threw my large soda in her face. She screamed as her painted on eyebrows began to run down the sides of her face. As she ran out of the theatre with her friend, the audience applauded me. The cost of a twenty dollar soda is a small price to pay to be a social vigilante, but worth it.

Unfortunately, by the time I resettled in my seat and turned my attention back to the movie, Princess Amidala was totally scissoring it up with Jackie [from that one show about the 70’s…I forget the name of it]. “Well this makes no sense,” I muttered to myself quietly, if I wanted to see a movie about dancers lezing out, I would have stayed at home at watched “Showgirls.” And as I got up to leave, I noticed the audience was filled with guys. Every last one of them with large buckets of popcorn placed firmly in their laps.


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas Wrapping

So last night I was at the mall finishing up my holiday shopping. I was at a loss as to what I should get my friend Pygar, I mean really, what do you get a blind angel? I was wandering aimlessly at the Nordstrom when I spied, on the other side of the store, a lone Hello Kitty toaster on an empty endcap. You know, the one that toasts an image of Hello Kitty on your bread. Adorable… and on sale… so it was perfect.

I bolted across the packed store. In dramatic slowmotion, I lunged over Jermaine Jackson, who had just bent down to look at some luggage. I nearly lost my footing on the landing, and pushed passed Taylor Swift, ironically shoving her into a discount bin while simultaneously blowing Jake Gyllenhaal a kiss. “Call me,” I mouthed, and just as I was able to lay my hands on the little toaster, I was stopped in my tracks my Elizabeth Taylor.


“I’ll take that!” she sneered as she grabbed the toaster

“No way! I saw it first,” I protested, also grabbing the toaster.

“Just try and take it from me,” she growled, pulling the toaster toward her.

“You think you can take me on, sister? I’ve beat the best of’em. I beat down Imelda Marcos at a Payless for a pair of Mary Jane’s, and it wasn’t even a BOGO!” I said as I pulled the toaster in my direction.

“Well, looks like what we have here is a Mexican Standoff,” she said as we glared at each other.

“Indeed,” I added. We stood there, frozen in time, for what felt like an eternity. Wham!’s “Last Christmas” played roughly 15 times in the background.

“You know what, in the spirit of the season, you can have it,” Liz conceded, releasing the toaster.

“Well, you know, that’s really ni—“

“WHITE DIAMONDS!” she screamed and threw dust in my eyes. My hands instinctively went to my eyes, dropping the toaster. I could hear her grabbing the toaster and scuttle off, as I rubbed the dust from my eyes. “Sucka!” I could hear her cackle as she ran off. Sometimes I really hate Christmas.


Thursday, December 9, 2010

My Two Cents: Toy Story 3

So now that I’m on this stupid watch list, I’m only allowed to see movies that are G rated. So I figured I would watch Toy Story 3 on the Netflix and see what all the hubbub is about. Well let me tell you, there is some dark ass shit in there. I mean really, the whole scene where the toys are trapped in the incinerator… there is something extremely dark about watching Kübler-Ross’ “Five Stages of Grief” theories enacted by innocent toys as they slowly approach death… oh poor Bullseye, hes stuck in denial stage… unlike Buzz Lightyear, he shot straight to acceptance! I could have sworn I was watching a lost scene from Ingmar Bergman’s “Winter Light,” except “Winter Light” was less depressing!

But then, the alien toys work the magic claw and save the other toys from the evil volcano and their near fate of being the reincarnated Thetans trapped in Tom Cruise. Thank goodness, I say, at least we don’t have to hear Woody’s Thetan spirit explaining what a “reach around” is to poor Jessie’s Thetan.

And I don’t even want to mention when Buzz gets jail raped by the nursery school toys. I’m pretty shocked that this didn’t get a hard “R” rating. I guess those cats a Pixar can get away with pretty much anything… oh yeah, there are spoilers in my review...