Silence is Golden

I had heard everyone going on about this “Black Swan” movie, so I figured I’d go check it out with the gift card I had gotten for Christmas. Generally speaking, I hate gift cards, just give me cash, you know? Then I don’t have to go to some lame store that you happened to have been at when you thought you’d pick me up a present. I mean really, when the hell am I going to go to effing Walmart. Have you seen those people?!? Well, at least I could use a movie gift card.

Anywho, so I’m watchin’ the movie, and Princess Amidala is like freaking out and touching herself where her bathing suit covers when this lady behind me starts talking at full volume to the person next to her. I turn and give her “the look,” you know, the look that says “shut up, you inconsiderate whore.” But she keeps right on talking. So of course I fully turn around in my seat in order to properly turn up the glare. She glances at me but doesn’t stop talking.

“Are you kidding me with this?” I ask.

“Aye, guera, whats your problem?” she said with a sneer.

“I understand that this may be a new experience for you, you know, actually going out to watch a movie in an actual theatre, rather than a DVD in the backseat of your “sancho’s” Escalade, but we, the audience, neither need nor want, to hear your conversation. In fact, it’s what we, polite society, refer to as a common courtesy. Now kindly, shut the fuck up.”

“Do we need to take this outside?”

“No, you need to take it outside.” I said as I threw my large soda in her face. She screamed as her painted on eyebrows began to run down the sides of her face. As she ran out of the theatre with her friend, the audience applauded me. The cost of a twenty dollar soda is a small price to pay to be a social vigilante, but worth it.

Unfortunately, by the time I resettled in my seat and turned my attention back to the movie, Princess Amidala was totally scissoring it up with Jackie [from that one show about the 70’s…I forget the name of it]. “Well this makes no sense,” I muttered to myself quietly, if I wanted to see a movie about dancers lezing out, I would have stayed at home at watched “Showgirls.” And as I got up to leave, I noticed the audience was filled with guys. Every last one of them with large buckets of popcorn placed firmly in their laps.