My friend Portia de Rossi is always trying to set me up on dates. I swear, just because she got married she thinks that all of her friends need to be married to. It’s like since they can’t convert me into a lez, they still feel the need to convert me into something. It’s part of the gay agenda, look it up. It’s on Wikipedia, so you know its fact.
Anywho, so against my better judgment, I accept her offer, only after she promised me that this guy was nothing like that George Clooney character she set me up with before. Loser will not stop calling, and I’ve even changed my number five times, yet somehow he always gets it!
But I digress, as arranged, yesterday afternoon I go to meet Jake in front of the Natural History Museum. I think it’s a little odd, an afternoon date, and I didn’t realize that the museum had a bar, but I’ve never been, so, maybe it’s like one of those chill-lounge bars. And besides, its 5:00 somewhere, I always say!
I was standing outside the museum wearin’ my Apple Bottom Jeans, boots with the fur, everyone at the park was lookin’ at me, when Jake walked up. I’ll have to admit, he was pretty cute, but there seemed to be a little blonde child following him as he walked up. We did the introductions, he was naturally a little shy, and I, well, naturally flawless. And we were chatting for a minute and this little kid keeps looking up at me.
“So, who’s the Toe-Head?” I finally had to ask.
“Oh, sorry, this is little Bobby, I’m a ‘Big Brother’ and I thought it would be fun if we all went to see the dinosaurs together.”
“Is this some sorta Jurassic Park shit? Cause I’m not down with that,” I said, but he laughed, I think he thought I was joking, but fuck, those Velociraptors can open doors!
“YAY, dinosaurs!” Bobby squealed, obviously he hadn’t seen the film, otherwise I doubt he would be that excited.
Jake laughed again, and then we went into the museum and little Bobby ran straight up to the two dinosaur fossils that were in the foyer, right past the velvet ropes, and hugged onto the Tyrannosaurus’ leg.
“Sorry,” Jake said to me, “Bobby can be a little precarious.” He then turned to Bobby and gently called to him, “Bobby, come back here, danger Bobby, danger.”
“Danger?” I said. “They’re dead, they’re about as threatening as Ryan Seacrest with a switchblade. What’s the problem, let the little Toe-Head have some fun.” Then Bobby started to curiously rub on the T-Rex leg. “Well he certainly likes his natural history, doesn’t he?”
We walked around the rest of the museum, Bobby looking for things to rub his junk on, Jake insisting we check out every exhibit, and me looking for that elusive bar. After we saw the Sylvia Plath exhibit [I guess she was a famous cook or something, as everyone was crowding around to catch a glimpse of her oven], we finally made it to the Insectarium on the 5th floor [I guess not many people know its there].
Jake excused himself to go to the restroom, while little Bobby and I looked at all of the bugs. He was keenly interested in rubbing on a cart that had several small glass cases with spiders in them. I was going to find somebody to remove the spiders from the room, because arachnids have no place in the Insectarium, when little Bobby knocked over one of the glass cases, freeing the spider. It leapt onto his arm and bit him before I could knock it off and stab it squarely with the heel of my stilettos [had I known we were going to be walking around all afternoon, I would have worn something a little more sensible, or at least my pumps that feel like a sneaker, but that’s the price you pay for fashion].
“Oh no, Bobby,” I said, looking at the sticker on the side of the tipped case, “that spider was radioactive!”
“AWESOME!” Bobby squealed. “Does that mean that I’m going to be like Spiderman?!”
“No, Bobby, I think that means you’re going to die soon. So you’d better make your peace with Sylvia.” I said as Jake showed up.
“So cold.” Bobby whispered, as he began to shiver.
“Is everything okay?” he asked.
“Oh yeah… sure--I think it’s a touch of the Swine Flu. You’d better get little Bobby home, I’m going to—go find some alcohol… to—uhm… kill the germs,” I said as I excused myself and headed for the nearest bar. So we’ll see, he was kinda cute, so I kinda hope Jake calls for a second date… and at least it’ll just be the two of us…
