What happens when you try and be nice...

Yesterday was the worst day ever. It all started with stupid George Clooney. He had been hounding me and hounding me for a date, so I finally caved, and we were going to meet at the IHOP in Santa Monica for a Rooty Tooty Fresh N'Fruity. So I ring up my personal assistant, and former stylist, Mary F. I tell her that she needs to go and pick up my dress from the dry cleaners. She starts to whine that her cat has run off again, and she has to stay home in case he returns. If there is one thing that works my last nerve is whiny crazy cat ladies. I hang up on her before she can start sobbing.

So I pop into the car and drive over to the dry cleaners myself. It still gives me a couple of hours to get ready, not that I'm trying to impress, but Frau never goes out on the town without looking her finest. I was just about to walk in when I bump into a frantic Angelina Jolie.

"Oh Frau! So glad I saw you, I need a favor! I need you to baby-sit this afternoon. We've just bought a house in the French Quarter and we need to go sign that papers. Will you do it?" Its hard to say no to her, after all the good works she does with those little Romanian babies... or were they Brazilian... that reminds me, I need to get a wax. I agree to help, Maddox is a good kid, and I haven't spent a whole lot of time with Baby Zathura. She gives me the address and promises it shouldn't take too long, so I won't have to stand George up. Looks like I'll have to skip the wax.

I roll up to the address she gave me at 1:00 and ring the bell. After a minute the door cautiously opens.

"Oh thank goodness, I thought you were Tom Cruise." Says Dakota Fanning as she opens the door wider. "What happened to Angelina?"

"There was an orphanage fire sale in Silverlake, kids are like half off or something. Looks like I'm going to watch you for a couple of hours." I reply, quietly damning Angelina and her trickery. I walk in and plop down on the sofa when little Elle walks in. She gives me a defiant stare down, challenging me to a silent battle of power. I hold her gaze for a minute until Dakota breaks the quiet stillness with a forced awkward laugh.

"So what shall we play?" She looks at Elle tentatively, like some beaten whore making nice to her pimp.

"I know, lets play Mary-Kate and Ashley!" I say coolly. "Elle, you get to be the anorexic one."

"Sure, and you get to be Dave Coulier." She shoots back with a scowl.

"Why you little--"

"Lets just play something else!" Dakota interrupts before I can finish my thought.

"Lets play 'The Accused!' I get to be Jodie Foster!"

"Fuck that!" Spits Elle, "We're playing 'When A Stranger Calls'..." she trails off glaring at me.

"That's it, you little bitch! We're playing British Nanny!" I scream as I wrap my hands around Elle's throat and begin to shake her violently.

"Dakota...? Dakota...? Are you home?" A squeaky hobbit voice called from the front yard.

"Oh no, quiet, its Tom!" Dakota warned, terror in her eyes. "We have to hide! Quickly!"

"Dakota? Have you read that pamphlet I gave you? Its been a couple of years now, and Steven won't give me your new phone number. I just wanted to see if you had a questions about Scientology. Dakota...?" I reluctantly release Elle from my Kung Fu grip and the three of us run over to the coat closet to hide just as Tom smashes a window to gain entry.

A tense five hours pass with Tom roaming the house in a L. Ron daze periodically calling out to Dakota. Why he never looked in the closet, I'll never know. Finally, we hear John Travolta's jet plane land on the front lawn. We hear a muffled exchange, some wet kissing, and then both of them walking upstairs to the bedrooms.

"Bump this, I'm out!" I say as I alight from our hiding place.

"No," Elle quietly pleaded, holding on to my leg, "you can't leave us!"

"Like hell I can't! I've got a Rooty Tooty Fresh N'Fruity with my name on it!" Then I kicked her in the face and ran out the door.

I finally made it to the IHOP several hours later. Of course George was still there, and he was desperate and clingy, just as I had suspected. And since he paid, I felt obligated to have sex with him. Like I said, worst day ever...

It started last autumn...

Everyone has been emailing me "Frau! Frau! Where have you been? We're so worried!" Fear not my little minions, I am fine, I just had to spend the past few months in hiding. Its a long sorted story, so of course I will trouble you with it....

It all started one brisk fall evening last year. I was just leaving Sky Bar [Lindsay Lohan and her entourage of Mouseketeers fresh off their Logan's Run style elimination off the Disney Channel showed up... they'll let anyone into this place, I swear, its off my list!] when I bumped into Vince Vaughn.

"FrauBellasogladIbumpedintoyouIwasjustcomingfromPinkystheirhotdogsarenot
asgoodasthoseinWrigleyFieldbutheyIwashungryforadognotlikeabarkbarkdog
butadelicioushotdogandIheardthatthebestplaceinLAisPinkysso-" At which point I shoved my tongue in his mouth just to make his stop flapping. I mean, he is kinda cute and all, but damn, he just doesn't know when to shut up. We're then totally making out there and I start to think, damn, I bet you he could work wonders with that little tongue of his. I was just about to ask him if he wanted to come back to my place when the Aniston Demon flew down and pulled at my hair.

Fortunately for me, her cheap Lee Press on nails were no match for my Pert strong hair and they snapped off. Seriously, its a shampoo and conditioner in one, genius! She was trying to circle around for a second attempt when I whacked her from the sky with my purse. She fell to the ground making a horrible banshee wail. I turned to avoid the screeching when I saw that it was actually Fantasia Barrino filming a scene for the upcoming "Fantasia Barrino Story Two: Making the Fantasia Barrino Story Starring Fantasia Barrino."

When I turned back the Aniston Demon had returned to her human form. She was talking to Vince like they had been going steady or something!

"Vince, how could you cheat on me!" She sobbed.
"Wait, I thought you two weren't an item, then you broke up." I interjected.
"ListenBabyitsnotlikethat-" I slapped him before he could gain any momentum.
"Listen Bitch, nobody slaps my man!" She pulled a travel copy of the Necronomicon from her cleavage. So thats how she keeps those girls so perky. She begins to chant in some evil language. You could just tell it was evil because there was a Texan accent.

There was suddenly a crash of lightning on the street before me, and Heather Mills appeared, all Terminator style. She lurched at me in a quick hopping motion wielding her leg as a blunt instrument. Forturnas wheel had spun my way, as just as that moment, a belligerent Lindsay was being escorted from the bar carrying a wine glass. Apparently she had tried to smuggle in her own bottle of Strawberry Hill. I snatched the glass from her hand breaking the base off in the process. Wielding it like a Waterford Crystal shiv, I stabbed her in the throat. To my amazement, the skin around her neck was so calloused that the shiv didn't even make a dent.

"Paul had been doing that to me for years!" She cackled. So I did what any good woman would do. I tripped her. Sweeping her good leg like Johnny did to Daniel-son.

"Wax off, Bitch!" I yelled, caught up in the moment. As Heather lay defeated and crying, I turned around to see Vince and Jennifer walking into the bar.

"YouknowyouaretheonlyoneformebabyIdon'tevenknowwhatthegirlsproblem-" Jennifer then shoved her tongue in his mouth to shut him up. As I walk down the street, picking cheap nails out of my hair, wondering if I should lay low for a little while, I swear I could hear Heather calling out into the night...

"I swear, I'll get you Frau Bella!" then after a minute, "Come back here with my leg, Lohan!"