Well hello my dear readers, sorry to have been on the downlow [and not in the Eddie Murphy way] but I was busy researching for a role I auditioned for. What with the writers strike and all, the networks were all desperate to get some new programming on the air that they green lit a "re-imagining" of "The Facts of Life." Its all the rage now, you know, taking shit we've already seen and "re-imagining" it, except this was going to be good, not like that crapfest Bionic Woman... lame... you CANT be bionic without that "da-da-da-da-da-da-da" slow-motion bionic sound effect. Anywho, NBC was going for like a grittier real life version of "The Facts of Life," and the first few scripts that were thrown together before the strike were fantastic! Like Tuttie was dealing ecstasy while earning money to attend the all white school by pole dancing at the local strip joint. And rather than being everyones friend, Natalie is ostracized for being fat and ugly, you know, totally real life situations!
I, of course, was trying out for the Blair role. The troubled girl who constantly has to deal with being perfect in a non-perfect world. I know, the role would totally be walk-through for me. Sure its hardly a stretch acting wise, kinda like Courtney Love playing a junkie, but this was going to be my big break out role, you know, get me in the public eye, after all Courtney was nominated for an Oscar, but then again so was Spielberg. Anywho, this was going to allow me to get funding for my independent film "Fraubarella." So after spending the better part of two months sequestered away in an all girls school in northern New York I was ready, a sure thing, this role was MINE!
I worked the hell out of that audition! And as I left, I walked passed a nervous Miley Ray Cyrus, who was sitting in a folding chair waiting for her turn to audition. She scowled at me from behind dog-eared script she was reading in a feeble last minute attempt to remember the lines.
"Good luck, bitch." I sneered, then spit in her eye and kept walking without as much as backwards glance. Yeah, I slipped a little on the wet floor that janitor was mopping and almost fell, but I don't think Miley saw, what with the spit in her eye. "Next time put a fucking sign down." I growled at the janitor.
"I'm sorry, please don't tell my boss." Lisa Whelchel pleaded. I raised my hand to backhand her, a quiet sob escaped her as she flinched.
"That's right, bitch, respect."
Anywho, it was last night that I finally got the call. I didn't get the part, but they did want to offer me the part of Jo, the bull dyke lesbian. "No thanks! These scissors don't cut that way!" I said angrily before hanging up the phone. "The nerve." I said, turning to Angelina Jolie. We were flipping through the United Colors of Benetton Kids catalogue, though I don't think she realized that is was a catalogue for clothing.
"Shhhh, don't speak." She said, holding her finger to my lips. Then we started making out. I mean, she is hot, that doesn't make me a lez or anything.
