So I was sitting at home working on my hook and latch rug (I couldn't resist the cute little puppy picture) when the phone rang.
"'Yello." I said
"Hi, is James in?" asked a very serious man.
"No, he isn't in, but this is his wife." I love fucking with people who dial wrong numbers.
"Great! Well if James isn't available, surely you will help out!"
"Of course I will!"
"We need you to substitute speak at a seminar tomorrow. Can you make it?" he said. I thought for a minute. I did have a lunch date with Britney, but fuck it, she could stay in rehab for one day at least. So I got the address and time for when I was supposed to show up.
I threw on my trampiest dress, but I did make sure to put some panties on, after all, I didn't really know where I was going. And Brit-Brit insisted I pinky swear that I will never leave the house without panties. Hypocrite. But anywho. I map quested the Holiday Inn and rolled up in my Escalade.
"Mrs. Dobson, I'm so glad that you could make it." a man said. I recognized his voice as the very serious man. "They are all waiting for you in the banquet hall. I wish I could stay, but I gotta go." He said just as a Mazda Miata pulled up next to him. Bad house music pouring out of the stereo.
"Come on Ted!" the man, with too too short shorts, yelled from the car.
"Later!" Ted said, getting into the car as it peeled away.
I made my way to the banquet room, which was filled with homos and drag queens. A large banner behind the podium that read "Cure the Disease." As I walked over to the podium the crowd hushed. I cleared my throat
"AIDS is a terrible disease," I started. "And all you homos need to stop bare backing with strangers." The crowd looked confused. I spied a drag queen who was dressed as Betty Page. "You, Drag Queen, what's the deal here?"
"I'm a Betty Page Impersonator! And the problem is, you are supposed to be curing us of homosexuality."
"Oh, that shits easy. Come up here." As Betty Page walked up onto the stage I grabbed the impersonator's hand and stuck it on my boob. "There, now feel that! The power of my tit!" Betty started rubbing a little harder. "Now pay attention guys and recognize! See how easy it is!?!" Betty started to really get into it, touching me in a way I had never felt before. My spine began to tingle. "WHOA there tiger, lets slow it down. Now why don't you go and put some mans clothes on and we'll call this a wrap. Maybe we can go out for a drink." I said with a sly wink. Maybe this day won't be a total loss.
"But you are supposed to cure me."
"I just did, my little drag queen."
"But I'm not a drag queen, I'm an impersonator."
"Yeah,so, either way yer still a dude, even though the boys are tucked up there, somehow, lord knows how you do it, but its there."
"No, I'm a chick."
"Nasty!" I said, slapping her soft tantalizing hand off my supple erect nipple.
"What the funk is your name?"
"Aja."
"Asia?"
"Aja!"
"Asia? Like freaking 'Heat of the Moment'?"
"No, Aja... like... Aja. Anyway, I'm not actually a lez or anything, I'm here for the Betty Page Conference next door. I saw you outside, and for some reason I was drawn to you, so I snuck in here. I think I really may be a lez."
"Well I don't blame you sweetie, this hot bod is a head turner. Now how do you spell your last name, I want to get it right for the restraining order." Then turning back to the mass of homos, I pulled a box of Lemonheads out of my purse and started to pass them out. "Here you go sweeties, this is the sure fire cure in pill form, now yer all straight! Ain't that great!?!" They all seemed a little perplexed, but accepted my cure all. "So who wants to go to Der Wienerschnitzel for corndogs!?!" To which the crowd responded with a cheer, except for the dikes. They were scowling, as dykes do. "And we'll also stop by Del Taco and get some tacos too!" The dykes then quickly joined in the excitement. Then I kicked the podium over and lit the banner on fire. "You can come too, Betty," I added.
"Aja."
"Whatever."
