Well, here I am in Beijing for the 2008 Olympics. Some of you may be surprised that I’m here, but being an Olympic athlete is just one of the many pieces of fabric that make up the rich tapestry of my life. Anywho, while I was waiting for my event, Freestyle Ribbon Diving, you know it’s the one where you dive with those long flowing ribbons and you twirl it around. It is, historically, the most dangerous Olympic event. There are at least half a dozen fatalities every Olympic Games. Bitches who aren’t as skilled as me get tangled in their ribbons while trying to do a half Gloria Gaynor summersault jackknife twist, and then they drown. But I digress, now where was I, oh yes, I was making out with Michael Phelps, killing some time before my event. My breath smelled like General Tso’s Chicken, but Michael really wanted to make out with me, and who am I to deny a fan. So we snogged for a few minutes, then I heard them announcing my event and jetted off to the diving platforms.
Let me recap for those of you who missed the rebroadcast, I was wearing my Red White and Blue thong, with star shaped pasties, I felt so patriotic! I confidently climbed to the highest diving platform. The crowd was hushed with antici…. pation. Then I dived, a executing a perfect Triple Lindy. Naturally the crowd went wild, and I scored tens across the board, except for the Chinese Judge, who gave me a 7.
I sat, mad-dogging the judge as the Chinese diver made her way to the top of the platform, and just as she was about to dive, the Chinese Judge screamed pointed to the other side of the pool “Look its Ricky Rouse!” Everyone turned, and indeed international pop sensation Ricky Rouse was standing near the far side of the pool smoking. After a momentary distration, I turned back just in time to the Chinese diver climb down off the platform.
“Well, since we all were distracted by Ricky Rouse and we missed seeing the last dive, we will have to judged it based on the instant replay,” announced the Chinese Judge who was already writing down his score.
“Instant reply?” I cried, “She didn’t even dive!”
“Oh yes she did,” the he said, scowling at me. “Just look at the replay.” I looked at the monitor and sure enough, there was the diver, executing the prefect dive.
“Fraud!” I yelled, pointing my accusing finger at the judge. “Play that tape again!”
“What? Why? That was a perfect dive,” said the German judge, “And we know a thing or two about perfection.”
“What are you, Borg?” I spat, “Clearly, the footage you are reviewing is computer animation!” The other judges gasped in unison and quickly rewound the tape, and sure enough, somebody had inserted frames from Shrek the Third.
Needless to say, China was disqualified from the event and that is how I was able to win the silver medal. I mean, I would have gotten gold, but they found out that I had been doping.
