Friday, May 29, 2015

... Hashtag: Gymspiration

For the past few weeks, I had been admiring [we don't say "stalking," because that implies the need for some sort of law enforcement, court date, restraining order yadda yadda yadda, lets not complicate something so pure and innocent as a simple eye rape, anywho...] I had been admiring this hot guy at the gym... total DILF with a grey beard and tight short haircut reminiscent of the those turn of the century hotties (last turn, not this one, but I guess it's kind of the same thing, just without the douchiness of an ironic handlebar mustache...).

However, despite all of my efforts to catch his eye, he seemed to be resisting my irresistible charms. I had just about given up the chase when I caught a rerun of "Just One of the Guys" on the CW late one night, and because Goonies never say "DIE!" I came up with a fool-proof plan and ring up a Drag King friend of mine teach me how to tape mah titties.

So, fast forward, I kicked my plan into action and there I was, in the men's locker room, completely incognito, hiding my feminine wiles under a large beach towel. Nobody the wiser.



I played like I was rummaging through my gym bag as the Hot Grey Beard walked out of the shower in all of his DILFy grey bearded glory. I discreetly watched has he toweled off his beautifully sculpted furry chest. I played it cool as I rummaged through my gym bag. Nobody was the wiser. I watched him apply some sort of man lotion awesome beard. Nobody was the wiser, as I played it off rummaging through my gym bag, discreetly stealing glances of his thick thighs and booty. Nobody was the wiser. 

Then I caught some guy peripherally staring at me, clearly some homo checking me out because the only thing I had been doing for the past fifteen minutes was totally playing it cool by rummaging through my gym bag. I deepened my voice and turned to the guy and said "what are you staring at, homo?" 

"You know, you swimmers should really dry off in the pool area, you are going to slip in that puddle." he said.

"I don't swim," I said with contempt, but then looked down at the growing puddle at my feet. Or course I immediately slipped on the tile (which apparently wasn't the only thing that was wet), my towel flew off as I fell to the ground and hit my head. 

As the paramedics were wheeling me out on the gurney, they guy at the front desk said I was banned from the gym for some cockamamie bullshit reason. So, long story short, that's why I'll never go to Planet Fitness, I mean, those "Lunk Alarms" are fuckin stupid, am I right?!