Friday, May 20, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Kill Kill Kill... Ma Ma Ma...
I was driving through the canyon on my way to an audition [because that's what we do in LA], the sky a beautiful blue and RuPaul's Glamazon pumpin' through the speakers. It couldn't be more perfect. The stars were aligned and Fortuna's Wheel was finally spinning in my direction! I had scored an audition to be in the pilot episode of the new Wonder Woman, I was totally excited because this show is going to be huge come the fall season... HUGE I tell you!
Then I noticed a black SUV careening all over the road and headed straight for me. I jerked the wheel to the right in order to avoid a collision and plowed into a ditch only to have the oncoming SUV veer further towards my direction. That’s when Fortuna's Wheel took a hard left as the SUV clipped my car.
I got out just in time to see the SUV roll three times. The back popped open just before it came to a stop, spilling Asian beauty queens all over the road. I ran over the SUV just as Connie Chung and Maury Povich were pulling themselves from the wreckage.
"Way to enforce the stereotype, Connie!" I said.
"What? Because I'm a woman, I can't drive?" she sneered.
"No, because--"
"--what? Because I'm Asian, I can't drive?" she interrupted.
"No--"
"--what? Because I'm old, I can't drive?" she interrupted again.
"Yeah, that’s the one."
Maury tried to say something but for some reason had a ball gag in his mouth.
"Maury wants you to guess which one of the ladies is really a man." Connie interpreted from Maury's grunts. Maury shook his head, as if trying to say something else. Connie narrowed her eyes at him, and he then seemed to concede to what she had said.
I paused for a moment, reflecting on the pageant queens as they smiled and batted their eyelashes. I was about to make my decision when I heard the wail of sirens off in the distance.
"Shit, it’s the fuzz! Let’s go Maury!" Connie demanded. He stood his ground and shook his head. Connie then pulled a small revolver out of her purse and pointed it at Maury's head. "MAU! MAU! DIDI MAU!"
Maury began to weep as he ushered the Asian pageant queens into the surrounding woods followed closely by Connie. They had disappeared into the shadows just as the police pulled up.
"Ma'am, we're looking for a couple who are wanted for human trafficking. They were travelling with a group of Asian men. Have you seen anything strange?" the officer asked. I was shocked with disbelief as I silently pointed in the direction that Connie and Maury had fled. My world had officially been turned upside down, and not in the fun Diana Ross kinda way. Boy you turn me, I just couldn't believe that all of those beauty queens were men!
"They're on their way to the old Crystal Lake camp grounds," the officer said into his radio, then he turned to me and asked, "Are you okay ma'am?" After a beat, I was able to regain a little composure.
"I thought 'Chung' was a Chinese name..."
Then I noticed a black SUV careening all over the road and headed straight for me. I jerked the wheel to the right in order to avoid a collision and plowed into a ditch only to have the oncoming SUV veer further towards my direction. That’s when Fortuna's Wheel took a hard left as the SUV clipped my car.
I got out just in time to see the SUV roll three times. The back popped open just before it came to a stop, spilling Asian beauty queens all over the road. I ran over the SUV just as Connie Chung and Maury Povich were pulling themselves from the wreckage.
"Way to enforce the stereotype, Connie!" I said.
"What? Because I'm a woman, I can't drive?" she sneered.
"No, because--"
"--what? Because I'm Asian, I can't drive?" she interrupted.
"No--"
"--what? Because I'm old, I can't drive?" she interrupted again.
"Yeah, that’s the one."
Maury tried to say something but for some reason had a ball gag in his mouth.
"Maury wants you to guess which one of the ladies is really a man." Connie interpreted from Maury's grunts. Maury shook his head, as if trying to say something else. Connie narrowed her eyes at him, and he then seemed to concede to what she had said.
I paused for a moment, reflecting on the pageant queens as they smiled and batted their eyelashes. I was about to make my decision when I heard the wail of sirens off in the distance.
"Shit, it’s the fuzz! Let’s go Maury!" Connie demanded. He stood his ground and shook his head. Connie then pulled a small revolver out of her purse and pointed it at Maury's head. "MAU! MAU! DIDI MAU!"
Maury began to weep as he ushered the Asian pageant queens into the surrounding woods followed closely by Connie. They had disappeared into the shadows just as the police pulled up.
"Ma'am, we're looking for a couple who are wanted for human trafficking. They were travelling with a group of Asian men. Have you seen anything strange?" the officer asked. I was shocked with disbelief as I silently pointed in the direction that Connie and Maury had fled. My world had officially been turned upside down, and not in the fun Diana Ross kinda way. Boy you turn me, I just couldn't believe that all of those beauty queens were men!
"They're on their way to the old Crystal Lake camp grounds," the officer said into his radio, then he turned to me and asked, "Are you okay ma'am?" After a beat, I was able to regain a little composure.
"I thought 'Chung' was a Chinese name..."
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