Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Start Wearing Purple

I was on my way to have lunch with my fashion protégé, Tim Gunn [correction, brunch, you know how the gays love their bunches… just cause you roll out of bed late and fancy it up with Mimosas it’s still effing pancakes and waffles… but whatev’]. As I’m rolling up to the valet, I notice everyone is wearing purple.

“Excuse me, young lad, what day is it today?” I say, flagging down a young man who was sashaying gaily by, and by gaily I mean merrily and not “gay-ly,” though he was clearly a queen. “What’s with all the purple? Did Prince explode or something?”

“No, silly goose, its Spirit Day!” he said. Then after reading my blank expression, he continued, “You are supposed to wear purple today to support for the kids that were bullied because they were gay.”

“Shazbot!” I exclaimed, glancing at the clock. “I still have time to make it right!” I then tossed him a shilling and told him to go out and get the finest prize turkey he could find before I sped off.

Unfortunately, luck was not in my favor, as it appeared all of the clothing stores in the neighborhood were not going to open for another two hours. But I was never being one to back down off a challenge [and I don’t mean a fit nubile pool boy named Challenge… though that’s something I wouldn’t back off of either… with his firm pecks and strong arms… wait, now where was I…]. Once I was able to regain focus, I quickly came up with a brilliant idea and I pulled into a liquor store to purchase a large bottle of Crown Royal.

I pulled the bottle out of its purple cloth bag and set it aside, then dumped the contents of my purse into the purple bag, and voila, instant clutch and more importantly, avid cause supporter! Now, what to do with the bottle of whiskey? I very well couldn’t drive around the city with an open bottle in the car! So I popped the bottle open and downed it, its five o’clock somewhere, right?

By the time I arrived back at the restaurant, I was fashionably late, so really, I was on time. Granted I almost took out the valet when I crashed into the podium, but everyone LOVED my fancy new purse, and I was honoring those victims of anti-gay bullying by bringing attention to the matter… and that’s what’s important… [and that I looked fabulous doing it]!