Lordy Lou, have you ever done something that has left you completely mortified and embarrassed? Well, I can tell you, this has never happened to me, but after what happened to me this morning, I can sort of imagine the complex range of emotions that would go along with something like that...
Picture it, Santa Monica Blvd, July 29th, 2011. I was cruzin' down the street in my six-fo' when I rolled up on some cute boy in an Audi that had a little German flag on the antenna. Now, as you may know, ole Frau [that me... sometimes I speak in the third person, not often, but this is an instance where I just did and I just wanted to make that clear so as to not confuse you] is of partial Deutsch [that’s German for "German"] descent, and I wanted to express a little U.N.I.T.Y. but really wanted to tell this cutie that I liked his flag/car/hair... you know...
Just as I go to roll down the window the light changes and traffic starts to move again. So we're keeping pace with each other and he glances over and smiles and so I give him a thumbs up and point at the little flag on his antenna. But he looks confused and doesn't make the connection to what I am pointing at, so I try and make the connection with a gesture, so the best thing I could come up with was to extend my right arm and hand essentially give him the Nazi Salute. I really should have put a little thought into that because his jaw dropped and he quickly turned at the next intersection [I like to think that he was going to turn there anyway... regardless of the fact that he cut off a tour bus].
Now this cute little German boy totally thinks I'm Anti-Semitic, which totally is the furthest thing from the truth! I love the Jews! I mean without the Jews, who would produce all of the films and television shows that I love?!? Just a quick aside, I am still searching for a producer for my feature length film "Fraubarella"... just thought I would throw that out there... but I digress... I damn near have a stool in the Kibitz Room named after me... hell, I could be a little Jewie--and I'm not talkin' cheap--I could totally have some Jewish ancestry, there are German-Jews...
Anywho... long story short... we need to come up with a universal hand gesture that says "Hey cute German boy" that wasn't also shared by the Hitler Youth. On a side note, anyone know if I crash somebody's Shabbat tonight, you know, do some karmic adjustment... I'll bring the Manischewitz...!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Carmageddon
I was talking to my BFF Angie on the phone yesterday, she had just seen the new Harry Potter with her harem of children [do you think a bitch could get an invitation to a movie... whatever that it was in London... anywho...].
"So then, flash forward and Harry and Ginny are dropping off their kids at the Hogwarts Express, and they bump into Ron and Hermione dropping off their kids. It was beautiful, so many children!" Angie was going on.
"Uhm, hello spoiler alert!" I chime in.
"Oh, sorry Frau, I thought you'd see it already."
"Guess I don't now, besides sounds like a totally daft ending."
"Whats going on?" Angie asked. "You sound sour."
"Yeah, I'm just still annoyed. I was going to the Valley this weekend, and there I was, stuck in traffic for five hours! I knew it was going to be a bitch, what with 'Carmageddon' and all--"
"--but that--" she tried to interrupt, but I just kept going, I had to listen to the play by play of stupid Harry Potter, bitch can sit and listen for a minute.
"--so I had grabbed a Big Gulp of D.P. in preparation for the long drive, but ended up sucking that down in the first hour. So naturally, I really had to tinkle. I tried to hold it until I got to the next exit, but after and hour and a half went by, I just couldn't hold it anymore. So I threw the car in park and popped out to water the ice plant on the side of the freeway. When I was walking back to the car there was this yellow Mazda trying to creep around. 'Never too late to be bittersweet!' I screamed, and in a quick action I pulled out my pearl handled Beretta and pointed it at the driver, who could instantaneously respect that I was totally channeling some full on Thunderdome shit with my big ass Tina Turner earrings and immediately stopped. Nobody fucks with Aunty Entity. Caught in the moment, I leapt onto the hood of my car and started shooting wildly into the air. I don't know why I always have to start waving a gun in the air to get people to move the funk outta the way, but I'll be damned if I didn't have a path cleared in less than 30 seconds. So anywho, I figured that took about an hour off my commute. Fucking Carmageddon."
"You do know that Carmageddon was the weekend before last, don't you?"
"Huh?"
"Yeah, it was the biggest 'Non-Story' of the week. The freeways were actually completely clear. There wasn't even a little traffic."
"So then, I was..." I trailed off.
"Yeah, just stuck in normal LA traffic."
"Goddman it. LA, you can be such a dick sometimes." I said with a exasperated sigh. "Oh well, at least I don't have to deal with it next weekend, I'm going down to San Diego for the Comic-Con, that should be fun! I gotta go hon, my Catwoman costume isn't going sew itself!"
"So then, flash forward and Harry and Ginny are dropping off their kids at the Hogwarts Express, and they bump into Ron and Hermione dropping off their kids. It was beautiful, so many children!" Angie was going on.
"Uhm, hello spoiler alert!" I chime in.
"Oh, sorry Frau, I thought you'd see it already."
"Guess I don't now, besides sounds like a totally daft ending."
"Whats going on?" Angie asked. "You sound sour."
"Yeah, I'm just still annoyed. I was going to the Valley this weekend, and there I was, stuck in traffic for five hours! I knew it was going to be a bitch, what with 'Carmageddon' and all--"
"--but that--" she tried to interrupt, but I just kept going, I had to listen to the play by play of stupid Harry Potter, bitch can sit and listen for a minute.
"--so I had grabbed a Big Gulp of D.P. in preparation for the long drive, but ended up sucking that down in the first hour. So naturally, I really had to tinkle. I tried to hold it until I got to the next exit, but after and hour and a half went by, I just couldn't hold it anymore. So I threw the car in park and popped out to water the ice plant on the side of the freeway. When I was walking back to the car there was this yellow Mazda trying to creep around. 'Never too late to be bittersweet!' I screamed, and in a quick action I pulled out my pearl handled Beretta and pointed it at the driver, who could instantaneously respect that I was totally channeling some full on Thunderdome shit with my big ass Tina Turner earrings and immediately stopped. Nobody fucks with Aunty Entity. Caught in the moment, I leapt onto the hood of my car and started shooting wildly into the air. I don't know why I always have to start waving a gun in the air to get people to move the funk outta the way, but I'll be damned if I didn't have a path cleared in less than 30 seconds. So anywho, I figured that took about an hour off my commute. Fucking Carmageddon."
"You do know that Carmageddon was the weekend before last, don't you?"
"Huh?"
"Yeah, it was the biggest 'Non-Story' of the week. The freeways were actually completely clear. There wasn't even a little traffic."
"So then, I was..." I trailed off.
"Yeah, just stuck in normal LA traffic."
"Goddman it. LA, you can be such a dick sometimes." I said with a exasperated sigh. "Oh well, at least I don't have to deal with it next weekend, I'm going down to San Diego for the Comic-Con, that should be fun! I gotta go hon, my Catwoman costume isn't going sew itself!"
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