“OMG, I need help!” a frumpy queen squealed without even looking up from his phone. My fantasy of a little soft-core afternoon delight dashed against the rocky shores of reality as I stared into the chubby face of Perez Hilton with a blackened eye.
“Uhm, are you texting somebody?”
“Shaa! No! I’m tweeting.”
“Look you little meth-head, I don’t have any Codeine, so just beat it.”
“I said ‘tweeting!’ I’m updating my twitter. I’ve been assaulted by Will.i.am and I need to go to the hospital.”
“So, then do you think that maybe you should call the hospital instead of musing a twit.”
“It’s a ‘tweet!’”
“Tweet, twit, to-may-to, to-mah-to.”
“Look you faggot—,” he started.
“Hold up, did you just call me a faggot?” I interrupted. “Let me tell you something,” I said, taking off both of my earrings in one swift motion and slipping into Phylicia Rashad mode, “Your ass has the nerve to come up in here while I’m working on something that actually has merit and contributes to the well being of society as a whole [did I neglect to mention that my Op-Ed piece was an instructional article on how to use gamma waves and ions to actually cause Elisabeth Hasselbecks mouth to permanently seal shut! Like I said: a true contribution to society as a whole], and you sit there on your phone texting telling me to call you an ambulance!”
“WTF, no! I didn’t want you to call the hospital, I was just going door to door telling everyone that I need medical attention. I already made a video for my website, and the sky writers should be up in the air any minute now. So now I’m going door to door, you know, so everyone knows I was assaulted. And then I want GLAAD to apologize to me... ”
"For what? Calling you out as the waste of space that you are?"
"OMG, no! They victimized me! Didn't you see my Facebook update? They said that I can't say faggot, but I can totally use that word to insult somebody, because I am a faggot."
"I didn't think that was ever up for question, and being associated with you is definitely an insult. So, did Will.i.am. even hit you?”
“That’s not the point, he’s totally a thug, you stupid faggot--,”
“That’s it, I’m gonna teach you a little something about thug life, you vapid hole…”
Needless to say, I spent the rest of the afternoon digging another six foot hole in the backyard, why does this always happen on the days I give the help off. It sure is getting crowded back there, and sadly, I don’t think we’ve actually thinned the idiot herd enough to have made a difference…
yet…
