DeeEnlightenment

I was going for a jog last night [okay, fine, I was walking to Yogurtland to get a cup, whatever] when I was enveloped by a shaft [*snicker* shaft] of blinding white light. The light was so bright that it temporarily burned out my surroundings, and when the light began to dim and my vision returned, I discovered that I had been transported to an alien spaceship. I saw that I was surrounded by little grey men with big eyes, it was like being in a Margaret Keane painting, but less tortured.

"Oh man, are you going to probe me?" I asked tentatively.

"No," said the alien closest to me, "and what is it with your peoples obsession with butt stuff?"

"Hey, don't knock it till you try it," I answered.

"Anywho, look, we come bearing gifts to your people. Gifts that will advance your civilization by leaps and bounds."

"Aw snap! Yer giving me an iPad Pro!" I exclaimed.

"No you dizzy tart, everyone in the universe knows that iPads are nothing but a gateway to 'freemium' game apps. We're giving you innovations that will cure all disease and hunger. But first, we have to ask you, is this shit for real?" the alien asked, gesturing to a monitor on the other side of the room that was playing the latest Donald Trump tirade about Muslims, building a wall, and giving babies guns.

"Oh no, he's a total joke, nobody in their right mind thinks that he believes what he is saying in the slightest." I answered.

"Then what about this?" the alien flips the channel to some preacher going on about killing Muslims. He flips the channel again to some redneck saying that "the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun." He flips the channel to a news report about a mass shooting.

"Enough!" I cry. "I know, I know, there are total d-bags in the world, but you can't fault our entire species because of a couple of assholes."

“If you bought a five-pound bag of peanuts and there were about ten peanuts that were deadly poisonous, would you feed them to your kids?"

"I dunno, do they have a peanut allergy? I mean, would your miracle cures also fix peanut allergies?"

"Only gluten allergies," the alien answered, "but you're missing the point. Sorry, we can't help you, sorry."

"Aw man, this is like one of those Twilight Zone episodes, isn't it?

"Yes, it is. That's because Rod Serling was one of us, disguised as a human. He thought that he could get you people to change your ways through story telling allegories. But here we are, over 50 years later, and the situation is still the same."

"Crap. Really?"

"Yes, you should really catch up when they air one of the marathons. It's quite pathetic that many of those stories still apply to your species. Anywho, it is time for us to leave now."

"But you can't just leave me, there has to be something you can do to help me. I don't want to go back, these people are crazy and they terrify me."

"Here, take this. It will slowly dissolve all of the thought pathways in your brain. It's a slow death, but a painless one," he said as he handed me a new iPad Pro. "It's already loaded with the 'Facebook' and 'Game of War' apps."

And with that, they beamed me back. When I got home, I sat and thought about their words. I looked at my new iPad Pro and realized that, much like Jean-Luc Picard and Q, the trial never ended. The only way to end the verbal tyranny of idiots, is to speak out against the idiots, so I picked up the iPad and made this awesome meme:

Now fly fly fly, little meme, spread your message!

Ho Ho Ho

I walk in an see him sitting there. I feel him looking me up and down, with his silent stare, taking note of my wrinkled clothes.

"Whatever, dude, you don't know me," I start. "You don't know my story, and you know what, little man? I'm fully aware that I'm wearing the same outfit from last night. Its not a 'Walk of Shame' just a 'Walk of same.' You think that you can sit there, all sanctimonious and judgey just because you are in tight with the big man up there? Well I've got news for you, buster, it feels super nice to be naughty and I'm not going to be slut shamed by the likes of you. Just because you decided to sit at home at watch ABCFamily all night doesn't mean that I'm required to endure it's cavalcade of shitty romantic comedies staring A.C. Slater. I'm an independent self-empowered woman. I'm like Diana Prince! Thanks right, asshole, I compared myself to Wonder Woman, and you know why? Cause that bish gets what she wants, and she don't need a man to feel fulfilled. She'll call up Steve Trevor for a bootie call then be like, 'check you later' afterward. Empowerment! So fuck you, you judgmental little prick!"

I stride over to him and smack his silent little face. He falls off the little shelf that he was perched on and hits the ground. I'm worried that he might be concussed, but then I see a copy of an old Hustler magazine fall from his pocket.

 

"Uh-huh, figures," I say, gingerly picking up the magazine. Its pages worn and sticky. "Isn't that always the case with judgey bitches like you. When you point your finger at people, you've got three more pointing back at you!" Then of course, I start to think of my date with Ryan Gosling last night. I'm going to start calling him "Yellow Pages," cause he sure knows how to let his fingers do the walking.