I was making out with Alison Goldfrapp the other night, not cause I'm a lez or anything, but cause she is kind of a starfucker and wanted to get a slice of Frau Bella Pie... and who am I to deny such a delicacy? Anywho, she was all kissin on me, shes a pretty good kisser too, so I won't knock her, when we heard this crashing noise from outside.
Alison kinda freaked out and ran into the closet. "Say hi to Tom for me while yer in there," I grumbled as I put on my silk robe to go out and investigate. As I stepped outside I could hear a pair of faint voices arguing in a loud whisper. They were on the side of the house, so I crept over to get a better listen.
"I've been stalking Alison for the better part of four years now! I've never seen you at the Goldfrappachino meetings! Just who are you!?!" the male voice demanded. He was clearly irritated. "Don't you know anything about properly stalking?"
"I know enough not to wear those Cha-Cha Heels you've got on! And who the hell is Alison?" Immediately recognizing the female voice, I rounded the corner.
"Mary F!" My old Hairdresser. "What the hell are you doing here?" I asked.
"Frau! Uhm... I... uhm... I just thought you might need to have your ends touched up... and uhm... that we would schedule an appointment... "
"Oh" I was still a little suspicious, but on the other hand, maybe she was just dedicated. She was a good stylist. She even did Elizabeth Berkley's hair on Showgirls, though not the hair on her head. But before I could schedule an appointment, in a scandalous turn of events, the guy whipped out a butterfly knife all ninja style and held it to Mary F's creamy white throat!
"Who the hell are you?" I asked him.
"D.B. Jones!" cried Alison from behind me.
"Oh my god! Don't look at me!" D.B Jones sobbed, shielding his face from Alison's judging gaze. Mary F. seized the moment to knock the knife from his hand.
"Empowerment!" Mary F. yelled, recalling the brief time in her Self Defense for Women class, before she dropped out. D.B. Jones, in a fit of shame and rage ran off into the night.
"I'll get you Frau Bella!" I could hear him calling back through the sobs. "I'll get you for blowing my operation!"
