Thursday, November 13, 2014

Spoiler Alert: Interstellar


So the movie starts with Matty McC having some drug nightmare, and the kid from the Conjuring comes in and asks if he is having that one nightmare again, and he doesn't really say but I assume all will be revealed to the audience later... anywho... So, the next morning, Conjuring Kid is talking about some ghost in her room knocking shit over, and I'm thinking little Carol Ann best see if there been some baby devil sacrifices on this property before Lili Taylor shows up all possessed like. This is when we find out that Matty McC is some sorta pot farmer in like the dustbowl or something. I dunno, its like the future, but without iPads [which is some kind bullshit future if you ask me]. He takes his kids to school and gets his daughter suspended because of some new Common Core bullshit.

So they're going home and this dust storm rolls in all Steinbeck style and Matty McC is like Carol Ann, did you close your window, and she is like, aw shit. So they rush upstairs and apparently the Roomba went the way of the iPad, because there is all this dust on the floor in some funky pattern. Matty McC figures out that the pattern spells out coordinates, and he and Carol Ann go and they find N.A.S.A. [yeah, that N.A.S.A.], but they're all underground like theys S.H.I.E.L.D. and shit, hiding from Hydra.

Then Catwoman and Alfred are like, "Oh Shit, Matty McC, all the worlds pot is gonna to die!" and Matty McC is like "that's not alright alright alright...!" And Alfred tells Matty McC about their plans to get off the planet, Plan A and Plan B... Plan A is like a giant rocket space station thingy that takes the population off the planet, and Plan B is something else, but I can tell you from experience, Plan B has totally worked for me, like 14 times now! Alfred is like, "you have to pilot this rocket through some wormhole to DS9 and find us a new planet to live on."

Matty McC is all, "as long as there's weed and bongos, bitches!"

So he, Catwoman, Edward Mordrake, and Neil deGrasse Tyson all go into deep space. They wake up just outside of Saturn, where this like anomaly has appeared, just like in 2001 [which is where it really happened, they changed it for the movie because it wasn't in the budget to fly to Saturn and back, so the producers had to make it Jupiter. Its a fact. Read a book.]. They break on through to the other side and have to decide on which of three planets they're going to land on, on account of there are three astronauts who went before them to scope the shit out.

Matty McC, Catwoman, and Edward Mordrake land on the first planet, and its like all water. Catwoman is rushing to find some flight recorder from the wreckage of Poseidon, and Edward Mordrake is like filming a plastic bag or something when they all see like another giant wave coming, totes like some "The Impossible" type shit is about to happen. So they tell their 2001 style monolith named T.A.R.D. to go save Catwoman. TARD gets her to the ship, while Edward Mordrake kinda stands there waiting for the plastic bag to come back or something and gets all washed away. Matty McC then has to surf the wave with their spaceship, and he's all, "cowabunga, dude!"

So they fly back to the spaceship and Neil deGrasse Tyson is like, "Its been like 30 years since you left." And it has, because he all bald and shit now. They're all talking about some time distortion cause of the black hole, and I'm thinkin', "whatever, Maximilian, you sure talk about this black hole a lot, are you tryin' to send Catwoman some messages or something, cause you all old and ratchet now." Then we find out that the bish has a boyfriend on one of the other planets, and she tells them that they should go there next. Matty McC shuts her down cause the readings from the third planet are super better.

So they jet to Planet Iceland and I'm thinking Bjork is about to pop out, but instead they find Matt Damon there, and he is all, "damn its so good to see people." He then tells them that planet is perfect and shiznit, below the ice on the surface. Matty McC asks him whats up with his busted TARD robot, and Matt Damon says he had to use him for parts cause he was going all HAL on him or something.

Then Catwoman gets some video message from Jessica Chastain, and J-Girl is like, Alfred died and he knew there was no feasible Plan A, and the Plan B is the only option [I'm tellin' you]. Matty McC is all "nuh-uh" and has some plan to shoot TARD into the B-Hole [thats short for Black Hole, perverts] to get some singularity reading so Matty McC can go home to his kids.

Catwoman and Neil deGrasse Tyson are setting up camp, while Matt Squared goes for a walk because McC wants to see where Damon got his readings or some plot point. Matt Damon is going on and on about how much he misses Ben Affleck, but he is all too busy going to be Batman and shit. Then he finally snaps and is like, "sorry, Matty McC, I made up the data" and HE goes all HAL on Matty McC. I mean, now would have been a great time for Bjork to bust out singing "Human Behavior" and shit, talk about missed opportunities. Anywho, Damon leaves McC for dead and shuts off his communicator, just as McC gets his working again and he calls Catwoman. She takes like 20 minutes to fly to where they were [didn't they just walk there? I mean fuck]. They're flying back to pick up Neil deGrasse Tyson but he blows up, and Matt Damon is flying up to the space station in their other shuttle.

Matt Damon is like, "Ben, I love you!" Then he blows up part of the ship, and himself. So Matty McC and Catwoman dock, and they come up with some plan to get to the planet so Catwoman can get some strange. Matty McC and TARD ditch Catwoman go right into the B-Hole. TARD is like, "my dog, its full of stars." And Matty McC is like, "don't say that, there is only so much we can rip off."

Then BLAM, Matty McC is in a huge library that exists in the 5th dimension of this B-Hole. Its a super big B-Hole thats be sucking in stuff for ages. So Matty McC sees into J-Girl's bedroom, and then he realizes that he was their ghost, then he sends her some complicated message [too bad Whoopie wasn't there, things would have been much easier] and she can then somehow figure out some math shit equation to get the massive space station off Planet Earth.

Then Steven Spielberg shows up and says, "Christopher Nolan, we need to have Matty McC get out of the B-Hole and onto the space station so that he can meet with his daughter, who is now old, so that he could have some tender family heartwarming bullshit moment." And then BLAM, all of that shit happens. Matty McC magically gets out of the B-Hole [the same B-Hole that not even light can escape from, but Spielberg is a massive B-Hole controller!] and then he meets with J-Girl, who is all old now, and she is like, "I knew it was you, but I got mah own kids now, you can leave, and don't you bother to talk to none of them, theys mah kids!" So then Matty McC jets off to find Catwoman, who apparently had just killed her Baby Daddy on that other planet and had just finished burying him.

The End.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Sex Traffic

You know whats not as fun as it sounds?

Sex Trafficking.

For one, the name is completely misleading. You take the first word, and come on, who doesn't like sex. And well, yeah, traffic sucks, but throw sex into the mix, and suddenly that back up on the 405 isn't all that bad. But nooooo, that's not what sex trafficking is. Now I wish somebody had educated lil' ole me on that before I was shipped off to a Taiwanese sex camp.

"How in the world could that happen?" I can hear you ask. Well, you'd be surprised just how easy it can happen!

So, what had happened was, I saw a flyer for one of those rave parties. And I thought to myself, "why not, I haven't been to a rave parry in ages and it was free admission for the first 50 people with glow sticks. The headliner was some twat named Skillet or something. Sounded like a bunch of noise, I mean, back in my day, raves played good music with beats you could dance to.

But I wasn't there for the music, I was trying to make some coin by selling tabs of ecstasy, well actually, it was pills of aspirin with the name scratched off. These dumb kids were none the wiser. I mean their idea of dance music was a bunch of WOOOOMMM VBOOOOMMM SQUEEEs. I was doing the lords work, because this shit was giving me a headache.

Then I was approached by some shifty looking Asian guy. I'm not racist or anything, I'm not saying that all Asian guys are shifty, but this guy was shifty, and he happened to be Asian. He starts to tell me this this is his turf and that I can't sell here, and he wants 80% off the top.

"As if," I balked. "I worked hard from the money, so hard for it honey!" Then he reaches inside his coat for a gun, well it was mostly likely a gun, and I wasn't going to sit around to find out. "WHITE DIAMONDS!" I yelled, as I threw a handful of aspirin in his face. He fell back, dropping his piece. I snatched it off ground before he could. "Dafuq?" I said, puzzled, holding a giant black dildo. That's when I got hit from behind.

I woke up in brothel in Taiwan, though it could have possibly been a school for girls, I didn't speak the language. Then I was shoved into a room with a bunch of pre-teen girls, where I was forced to teach them English for a year. I guess in retrospect, it was a school, my bad. Though I did give them advise about boys and sex when they asked. So, see, it was kind of sex trafficy. Suck on that, Dan Savage...