So I went to the Beverly Center yesterday to do a little shopping. I swear I walked up and down that place looking for the fucking Target, but I'll be damned if I couldn't find it. After about and hour, I worked up quite a thirst, and had a craving for an Orange Julius... mmm... it just isn't a trip to the mall without an Orange Julius! I was making my way to the food court, when I heard somebody quietly calling me. I looked around but didn't see anyone, but then, out of the corner of my eye, I spied movement behind a group of potted plants.
Naturally, being a lone woman, I went to investigate further, after all you never know, it could be somebody handing out puppies! And who wouldn't want an adorable little puppy?!?! That's why I always say, a stranger in a white van is a friend with who will help you move that you just haven't met yet! Sadly, I was sorely disappointed, as it turned out to be Bobby Brown. He was crouched behind the plants licking the grease off a discarded KFC box.
"Is it safe to come out?" he asked.
"Out of what? A Career Coma? I suppose, but that's your prerogative."
"No, I'm hiding from Osama Bin Laden. He is looking for me because he wants to get with Whitney. I'm sure that he wants to kill me."
"Something tells me that there are a few Baby-Mommas that were in line before him. That aside, I really doubt Osama wants to get with some cracked out whore. Besides, aren't you divorced or something?"
"That's not the point, he wants to kill me!"
"Sure sure," I glanced around for an exit strategy. Exit Strategy, now there's a funny term. "You know, I think I saw him in the Macys over there. I'll pop in and have a look." I said as I walked towards the entrance. I turned and gave him the thumbs up before going in. Freaking nutter. When I turned back around I was assaulted with a fine mist of alcohol sprayed right into my eyes.
"I had to have it!" exclaimed an overly perky Sarah Jessica Broderick.
"Then keep it to yourself next time, you silly kooze!" I yelled, while wiping the tears from my eyes.
"No, you don't understand, that's the catch phrase for my perfume."
"I don't much care what it is. It smells like ass and makes my eyes burn. Do I have to call upon the power of Isis and give you an ass whoopin'?"
"Just give it another try," she said as she went to sprits me again.
"OH MIGHTY ISIS--" I began, fingering my oversized amulet necklace.
"Okay, okay! I'm sorry..." she conceded and slowly backed away, knocking over a display of "White Diamonds" in the process. Oooo, Liz is going to be pissed!
"That's right," I said scowling, not taking my eyes off of her, until she disappeared behind a rack of grandma panties. Generally annoyed, I gave up on the Orange Julius and went on my merry way, smelling of alcohol and flowers.
