Never cross a sleeping angel...

Pygar and I were having a lovely picnic in the park, just soaking up the beautiful day. A slow breeze was meandering through the trees while the sun was shining down from a bright blue sky. Chi-Chi, Pygar's German Shepard frolicked in the grass while Pygar took a little power-nap on the blanket we had laid out. It was so serene that I felt like writing a poem, you know something to really capture the moment.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood," I jotted down in my dream journal. "And sorry I could not travel both." Oh man, this was gonna be some good shit, I thought as I continued to write.

Sadly, my poetic flow was interrupted by the loud whine of a spoiled brat, "But moooom, I don't wanna go to the park, I wanna play on my Gameboy!"

I looked up to see a woman walking down the paved path pushing an 8 year old in a stroller. "Hunter, now you just hush now, we'll be back at the car as soon as we cut through this park.

"This park is stupid and ugly," he said, throwing a candy bar wrapper to the ground. I cut into the brat with my eyes, but the little punk deflected my shade right back at me. By this time, Pygar sat up, his quiet reverie broken.

"Excuse me," I said calmly," but I do believe you dropped something." I pointed to the candy wrapper on the ground. The woman turned and looked at the trash, then threw a sneer in my direction.

"Well I never!" I said, turning to Pygar to find that he had disappeared. I looked back toward the rude lady and brat child to see Pygar materialize in front of them. He leaned down to the stroller with a warm and pleasant smile.

"Sweet child," he started, "you should pause and enjoy this beautiful day. Do you not hear the birds singing? The trees rustling? I can not see these things, but I can feel the beauty, and I can only imagine how fantastic it would be to see it in all of its glory."

"Whatever, this is stupid and you're stupid," the brat spit, while the mother smiled smugly.

Pygar merely paused, smiled, then leaned in a little closer, "Think on this, one day, you will die, and while your body sits in a dark coffin buried deep in the ground the worms will feed on your rotten little carcass. And in turn those worms will help the soil, and all of these beautiful trees with become even more beautiful, but not because of the nutrients from your decayed flesh, but merely because your sorry little ass won't be around any more. But where will you be? Why, you'll be drifting in the black void of nothingness. Can you picture that for me? Absolute. Nothingness."

Tears started to stream down the kid's chocolate covered cheeks while the mother gasped with dismay.

"Oh shut up," Pygar growled, "and pick up your trash, you dumb bitch!" The lady cowered and ran back to the candy wrapper, quickly depositing it into the trashcan.

"And Santa Claus isn't real!" I yelled to the kid as his mother frantically pushed him down the path to get away from us as fast as possible.

"Tea?" Pygar asked, he had already returned to the blanket and was holding a teapot.

"Sounds lovely!"

Money Cab!

I was leaving Pygar's apartment after getting ready for the premiere of my BFF Angie's new movie [I think its called Pepper... or Curry... I dunno, something like that], and I figured it'd be easier just to take a cab [you know, just in case I hook up with some hottie, I want to make sure he drives me home].

So run downstairs and jump into the waiting cab. Just as I put my seat-belt on all these lights start flashing and shit. Of course I'm thinkin' maybe I'm having a flashback or something, so I try and play it real cool.

"You're in the Money Cab!" the cabbie exclaimed.

"Wait, you're not hot little Ben Bailey," I say to the clearly not Ben Bailey. This cabbie wasn't even cute, actually he looked like a creepy older version of a nameless drag queen who jumped off the top of Pygar's apartment building. "And don't you mean 'Cash Cab?'"

"No, no, this is totally different. But you can still totally win money! So do you wanna play?"

"Sure, why not," I say, after all, if this Skaggs Lady Lee knock off wants to give me money, who am I to argue. "So, this is going to be on TV, huh?" I said nervously, noticing the small camera mounted above the dash.

"Uhm--yeah...! On TV!"

"I'm suddenly feeling a bit anxious," I giggled nervously, concerned about how my hair and make up were.

"I have some Quaaludes if you want?" He offered, holding up a box of Lemonheads.

"You keep 'ludes in a box of Lemonheads?"

"Yeah, its uh... just more convenient. So do you want one?"

"Uhm, no, I think I'll be okay."

"Are you sure?" he said, shaking the box slightly.

"No... thanks... really."

"Well you just let me know if you change your mind. So shall we play the game now?" he asked as we pulled into traffic.

"Yes! Bring it on!" I said rubbing my hands together.

"Okay, the first question is worth 25$! Do you date older men?"

"Well that's a strange question, I thought this was supposed to be general--"

"15 seconds, I need your answer!" he interrupted.

"Yes!" I exclaimed, I get excitable even watching game shows, let alone being on one!

"Good-err, I mean, Correct! The next question is worth 50$. Without looking, what color are your panties?"

"Really, I don't understand the relevance--"

"10 seconds!"

"Damn, I need to use my mobile shout-out," I said. He handed me a mobile phone and asked who I was going to call. "My friend, Pygar, he's an angel."

"Hello?" I heard Pygar say at the other end of the line.

"Pygar, its Frau, I'm in the Money Cab and I need your help with a question. This afternoon, when I was changing at your place, what color panties was I wearing?"

"Frau, first of all, you do realize that I am blind. Secondly, when have you ever worn panties?"

"Of course! Oh Pygar, I could kiss you! Thanks, I'll call you later" I said, hanging up the phone, the to the cabbie, "I'm not wearing any!"

"Oh yes," his said, his voice dropped slightly as the cab swerved a little, "that's the right answer! You are doing so well, can I offer you a Lemonhead?"

"Ooo, yeah, I love Lemonheads!" I said, taking a Lemonhead from the box, "They're way better than stupid Cherry Chan, I mean really, what a racist. You know, these aren't very sour," I added, sucking on the candy.

"Uhm... its because they're super fresh! Next question! For 100$! Are you old enough to vote?"

"Yes!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, you lose," he appeared to be genuinely crestfallen.

"But I am old enough to vote!" I protested.

"Yeah... sorry, I'm going to have to kick you out here," he said pulling off to the side of the road.

"But we're on the 405!"

"Sorry, but those are the rules of the game," he said as he drove off.



"Well ain't that a fine 'how do you do,'" I said to myself as I stuck my thumb out to try and hitch a ride. But then my arm started to feel really heavy, and I thought it sounded like a good idea to sit by the side of the road... and maybe rest my eyes a minute. Next thing I knew, I woke up three days later in Palm Springs laying in the back of a car with Jeremy London, an empty bottle of Hennessy, and an eighth of crank.

Skin this cat...

So I was walking down the street listening the to the new Scissor Sisters on my Zune [is it just me, or does it sound like it could have been produced by Groovie Mann and Buzz McCloy...?] when I spied a sandwich board on the corner advertising a discount Brazilian wax with an arrow pointing down the next street. Well, it is summer, and I have been remiss in the grooming of my Boo Boo Kitty, and you know much how bitches love a good discount... so naturally I turned the corner as the arrow directed.

After a few feet, I came upon another sign. "This way to your super discount Brazilian!" that pointed down a dark alley. I had already invested a few paces into this venture and there was no turning back now. So I continued on... into the dark damp alley... a cat awkwardly jumped across my path [almost as it somebody just out of frame chucked him at me] and darted towards a dumpster, knocking over some bottles as it hurried away.

I went to see if the cat was okay when I saw a strange figure stooped suspiciously behind the dumpster. My first thought was that it was just a misplaced bridge troll, but I was suddenly gripped by fear... it was as though I might be channeling Jamie Lee Curtis. I approached cautiously, my heart pounding in my chest. I slowly reach my quivering hand toward the hunched creature.

"Oooo girl, don't do it!" an unseen black girl screamed off in the distance, but I couldn't help it, and I wasn't sure why, but I was compelled to see the creature. Then I saw what it was holding in its stubby little hands and I couldn't help but let out a startled gasp...

The figure quickly turned turned toward me after hearing my gasp. I could see more clearly the large rat [I suppose it coulda been a nutria, I mean it was pretty big] he was holding, a huge bite taken out of its side.

"I must feed!" Glenn Beck snarled, as rat blood [nutria blood? I still couldn't really tell... you know, the more I think about it, it coulda been that stupid cat] ran over his lips and down his chin.

"Oh, I was right, it is just a misplaced bridge troll," I said, regaining my composure and continuing on my way to my super discount Brazilian. The slurping sounds from Glenn slowly faded into white noise as I approached the third and final sign pointing into the back entrance of an abandoned Millers Outpost.

"Hello, pretty lady, you here for discount Brazilian?" a polite man with a thick Russian accent asked as I entered.

"You know it!"

"Good, good, you lay down here," he said, directing me to the old check out counter.

"Its been a while, is this gonna hurt?" I asked.

"No, no, not at all," he said, pulling out a thick roll of gaffer's tape. "Like big band-aide, very quick." I raised an eyebrow with suspicion. "Very good discount," he added and I was sold. I mean how could I say no, it was a good discount... and he was kinda hot...

---

Meanwhile, in the alley, the only sounds were that of the misplaced bridge troll feasting hungrily. It had been weeks since it had last fed and he worried that the lady would come back and take his food. It continued to look around cautiously back in the direction that the lady had went. Then, suddenly a piercing scream slashed through the quiet of the alley and scared the little bridge troll. It dropped its meal and ran blindly in the other direction, right out into the street, where it was promptly struck down by a street sweeper as it drove down the street picking up trash.