Hi Kids, sorry I've been out of touch, I've just been really busy with band practice. We've been getting together every night and practicing in my garage. Things were going swimmingly, that is until early last night...
We were working on the choreography to our opening number. It was fantastic. First, I walk out as Jerrica Benton in my plain jane pantsuit, and I'm surrounded by the Starlight House orphans, played by Maddox and Zahara Jolie-Pitt, and Pax Jolie-soon-to-be-Pitt. Shiloh cried and cried to be part of the show, but I told her no, she just wasn't orphany enough. Anywho, so I walk out, and then in a could of smoke and lights Alison Goldfrapp appears as Synergy, I tug on my over seized earrings [I got them at Jodie Watleys yard sale, total score!] and then the orphans rip off my tear away pantsuit to reveal my Jem fabulousness. Then the band I and break out into "Glitter N Gold"... Its truly outrageous!
So we were in the middle of out 7th walk through, fucking Zahara keeps missing her cue, when the garage door swings open! Standing there, in the fading sunlight, was Bjork.
"What do you want?" I ask, somewhat defensively.
"Hvað kostar það? Þakka þér fyrir. Reykjavík." She says mousily.
"I told you, I don't speak Spanish!" I chastise her. "Anyone know what the hell is this bitch saying?"
"Ég veit ekki. Gus Gus." Bjork says, throwing a 12" record down at my feet. I look at the cover and understand instantly. She started a Misfits cover band with PJ Harvey and Morrissey. The bitch.
"You stupid slag! I'll cut you like Tori Amos cuts the insides of her thighs!" Alison screamed, pulling a butterfly knife from her va-jay-jay.
"You know, I'm right here." Tori whined from behind the keyboards. We needed somebody to play Kimber since Alison refused, and Tori was a last minute fill in.
"Shut up, Tori, before I rape you again!" Alison called back. Tori sulked into a corner and started talking to the fairies and butterflies.
"Girls, girls!" I interrupted, fearing the disintegration of the band right before my eyes. "Lets remember who the real enemy is here. If Bjork wants a throw down, lets give it to her!"
Then, as if I were a Cable TV Reporter, Bjork leapt at me with a guttural squeal [I'm pretty sure it was one of the tracks off Medulla]. I reeled backwards, tripping over Pax, my hair narrowly escaping her claws. Just as Bjork readied for another attack, Alison threw a glass of water onto her. Instantly, Bjork's skin began to sizzle and smoke as she slowly melted into her clothes.
"ÉG bræða! ÉG bræða! Hvaða a veröld! Hvaða a veröld!" She crieed repeatedly until her voice was nothing more than a little squeak, which didn't really take all that long. We all pause for a moment, none of us wanting the chore of cleaning up the melted Bjork on the floor. Finally, I made an executive decision.
"Shakira, clean that mess up."
"My name is Zahara! Why can't people get that right!" Zahara cried, correcting me.
"No, I meant Shakira. Shakira, get in here, you beautiful liar you!" I called out to my maid.
"Pinche puta." Shakira mumbled under her breath as she entered with mop and bucket.
"Just clean it up, bitch, before I have you deported."
