Friday, September 23, 2011

Pretty Princess

So yesterday was a beautiful day, and I figured I would take a little walk, you know, say goodbye to summer and hello to autumn and what not... that, and my ass was hurting from sitting all day long. I swear, those timeshare people are hard sellers! Of course I didn't buy one, what bitch can afford a damned timeshare in this day and age. Man, they really made me work for that free trip! Sure I was trapped there for five hours sitting in a stale non-airconditioned room, but when my ass is on Catalina Island, I'll be the one having the last laugh!

So a bitch really needed to work her stems a little bit, you know, walk it out. Anywho, I'm enjoying a nice stroll around my neighborhood when I am shocked beyond belief. Standing there, on the corner, right in front of the school, is a little midget hooker!

"Just what do you think you are doing here?" I demand as I immediately stride over.

"I'm waiting for my daddy." she answered, clearly a little put off by my directness.

"Look sister, you ain't gonna find your 'daddy' here," I said, making little air quotes when I said "daddy" to emphasize my sarcasm. "This is a classy neighborhood, and I pay through the nose to live here so I don't have to look at trash like you."

"I'm not trash, my daddy has my crown," she said in a childlike voice.

"I don't care what kind of sick sex games you have going on with your--well let's just call a spade a spade--with your PIMP!" I spit out, "But we don't want your kind of business here you filthy little freak!"

"I'm a living doll--"

"Shut your sluthole!" I said and slapped her face. Of course she started to cry like a little bitch whore. Clearly she was new to this game because she wasn't quite yet calloused and dead inside like I assume most ladies of the night are. I sighed my contempt just as a rotund woman with too much blue eye shadow waddled over.

 
"What's going on here?!" Blue-Eye Shadow demand, putting her arms around the little tart.

"Oh, so you must be the "Madame" then. Well, I was just learnin' this tramp a lesson." I said to her, then looked back to the midget. "That's right, Whoreface, I'm talking about you!"

"How dare you talk to my daughter like that! She's only six years old! We just won the 'Lil' Miss Sugar Pincess' Pageant!" bellowed Blue-Eye Shadow.

"'We?' You got a mouse in your pocket? I doubt you won the 'Lil' Miss Sugar' anything, unless it was a sugar pie eating contest. Why is a six year old standing on the corner here dressed like Julia Robert's in Pretty Woman?"

The woman scoffed, "My husband is pulling the car around, and when he gets here, I'll be calling the police on you for assaulting my daughter!"

"Oh geez," I said in a soft voice, kneeling down in front of the little girl. "I'm so sorry that your momma thought it was right to dress you like a prostitute. I should really be calling social services, and I am really sorry that--WHITE DIAMONDS" I screamed as I leapt up, throwing a handful of dirt right into that blue eye shadow, then I ran like a whore who just got caught skimming from her pimp.

As I ran, I thought about calling social services, but really, we probably didn't need to involve the authorities at this point... right? Tit-for-tat?