It started last autumn...

Everyone has been emailing me "Frau! Frau! Where have you been? We're so worried!" Fear not my little minions, I am fine, I just had to spend the past few months in hiding. Its a long sorted story, so of course I will trouble you with it....

It all started one brisk fall evening last year. I was just leaving Sky Bar [Lindsay Lohan and her entourage of Mouseketeers fresh off their Logan's Run style elimination off the Disney Channel showed up... they'll let anyone into this place, I swear, its off my list!] when I bumped into Vince Vaughn.

"FrauBellasogladIbumpedintoyouIwasjustcomingfromPinkystheirhotdogsarenot
asgoodasthoseinWrigleyFieldbutheyIwashungryforadognotlikeabarkbarkdog
butadelicioushotdogandIheardthatthebestplaceinLAisPinkysso-" At which point I shoved my tongue in his mouth just to make his stop flapping. I mean, he is kinda cute and all, but damn, he just doesn't know when to shut up. We're then totally making out there and I start to think, damn, I bet you he could work wonders with that little tongue of his. I was just about to ask him if he wanted to come back to my place when the Aniston Demon flew down and pulled at my hair.

Fortunately for me, her cheap Lee Press on nails were no match for my Pert strong hair and they snapped off. Seriously, its a shampoo and conditioner in one, genius! She was trying to circle around for a second attempt when I whacked her from the sky with my purse. She fell to the ground making a horrible banshee wail. I turned to avoid the screeching when I saw that it was actually Fantasia Barrino filming a scene for the upcoming "Fantasia Barrino Story Two: Making the Fantasia Barrino Story Starring Fantasia Barrino."

When I turned back the Aniston Demon had returned to her human form. She was talking to Vince like they had been going steady or something!

"Vince, how could you cheat on me!" She sobbed.
"Wait, I thought you two weren't an item, then you broke up." I interjected.
"ListenBabyitsnotlikethat-" I slapped him before he could gain any momentum.
"Listen Bitch, nobody slaps my man!" She pulled a travel copy of the Necronomicon from her cleavage. So thats how she keeps those girls so perky. She begins to chant in some evil language. You could just tell it was evil because there was a Texan accent.

There was suddenly a crash of lightning on the street before me, and Heather Mills appeared, all Terminator style. She lurched at me in a quick hopping motion wielding her leg as a blunt instrument. Forturnas wheel had spun my way, as just as that moment, a belligerent Lindsay was being escorted from the bar carrying a wine glass. Apparently she had tried to smuggle in her own bottle of Strawberry Hill. I snatched the glass from her hand breaking the base off in the process. Wielding it like a Waterford Crystal shiv, I stabbed her in the throat. To my amazement, the skin around her neck was so calloused that the shiv didn't even make a dent.

"Paul had been doing that to me for years!" She cackled. So I did what any good woman would do. I tripped her. Sweeping her good leg like Johnny did to Daniel-son.

"Wax off, Bitch!" I yelled, caught up in the moment. As Heather lay defeated and crying, I turned around to see Vince and Jennifer walking into the bar.

"YouknowyouaretheonlyoneformebabyIdon'tevenknowwhatthegirlsproblem-" Jennifer then shoved her tongue in his mouth to shut him up. As I walk down the street, picking cheap nails out of my hair, wondering if I should lay low for a little while, I swear I could hear Heather calling out into the night...

"I swear, I'll get you Frau Bella!" then after a minute, "Come back here with my leg, Lohan!"