Christmas Wrapping

So last night I was at the mall finishing up my holiday shopping. I was at a loss as to what I should get my friend Pygar, I mean really, what do you get a blind angel? I was wandering aimlessly at the Nordstrom when I spied, on the other side of the store, a lone Hello Kitty toaster on an empty endcap. You know, the one that toasts an image of Hello Kitty on your bread. Adorable… and on sale… so it was perfect.

I bolted across the packed store. In dramatic slowmotion, I lunged over Jermaine Jackson, who had just bent down to look at some luggage. I nearly lost my footing on the landing, and pushed passed Taylor Swift, ironically shoving her into a discount bin while simultaneously blowing Jake Gyllenhaal a kiss. “Call me,” I mouthed, and just as I was able to lay my hands on the little toaster, I was stopped in my tracks my Elizabeth Taylor.


“I’ll take that!” she sneered as she grabbed the toaster

“No way! I saw it first,” I protested, also grabbing the toaster.

“Just try and take it from me,” she growled, pulling the toaster toward her.

“You think you can take me on, sister? I’ve beat the best of’em. I beat down Imelda Marcos at a Payless for a pair of Mary Jane’s, and it wasn’t even a BOGO!” I said as I pulled the toaster in my direction.

“Well, looks like what we have here is a Mexican Standoff,” she said as we glared at each other.

“Indeed,” I added. We stood there, frozen in time, for what felt like an eternity. Wham!’s “Last Christmas” played roughly 15 times in the background.

“You know what, in the spirit of the season, you can have it,” Liz conceded, releasing the toaster.

“Well, you know, that’s really ni—“

“WHITE DIAMONDS!” she screamed and threw dust in my eyes. My hands instinctively went to my eyes, dropping the toaster. I could hear her grabbing the toaster and scuttle off, as I rubbed the dust from my eyes. “Sucka!” I could hear her cackle as she ran off. Sometimes I really hate Christmas.