A Tale of Terror Part V: The Next Chapter Beginning

So I was skimming the back of the LA Weekly, looking at the missed connections [man those always crack me up, like the one that read "saw you masturbating in the bushes at Griffith Park, some people say I look like John Travolta, I'm totally not, swears, hit me up"] when I saw an ad for an open audition for a new film starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It was on Friday the 13^th, which was also Halloween day [oh, incidentally, never buy a calendar from the 99 Cent Store] and I didn't have any plans, so I figure I’d give it a whirl.

I show up, looking fly, as usual, only to find a slew of two bit whores waiting to audition. I take a seat next to Jennifer Jason Leigh, her hair is cropped short and for some reason has brought a puppy with her. I casually flip through a magazine that was sitting on the end table, but I'm only able to pretend to be interested the Highlights Maze for so long before I put the magazine down.

“Do you need a roommate?” Jennifer asks after I accidentally make eye contact.

“Er, no… I’m fine,” I say, noting that she is suddenly sporting a long blonde wig. I get up and check with the receptionist to see how much longer I have to wait. When I turn back, I see the puppy in Jennifer’s lap is dead. “What the fuck, Jennifer?” I yell.

“What? It was Bridget Fonda,” she protests. I glace over and Bridget, who is quietly sipping coffee making the universal “cray cray” sign by drawing invisible circles on the side of her head.

They finally call me in and Joseph is there, and I tell them about myself and he seems really pleased with me. When I ask what the part is, he tells me that he is actually looking for a girlfriend. I’m about to turn and walk out thinkin’ this is some whacky Tom Cruise Scientology bullshit, but then I stop think I could be totally down to Katie Holmes this guy for a couple of years and walk away with a cash prize. So I tell him sure.

We meet the next day and took a drive up the coast. We stopped at a place called “Last Chance Gas Station” and had some super yummy barbecue  That shit was so good that even when I found a hair in my pulled pork, I couldn't stop eating it, no lie. I mean, damn that was some good BBQ!

After we eat, I forget how it came up, I may have asked him how much cash am I going to get out of this when all is said and done, he tells me that he isn't a Scientologist, and that he just has a hard time meeting nice girls. I giggle, because I am a nice girl. So then he asks me if I want to go back to his place, and of course I’m down, because there ain’t no such thing as a nice girl.

So we head back to his place, which is one of those cool warehouse loft thingys. The first thing I notice when I walk in is a massive hideous painting hanging above the fireplace.  Well, that was the first thing I noticed after the two huge metal pod looking things in the middle of the room. I was about to ask him what was with the fucked up painting of Bruce Willis when one of the pods flashed and began to smoke. The door slid open with a mechanical whir and a grotesquely disfigured woman emerged from one of the pods saying, in a garbled voice, “Be afraid, be very afraid.”

Continue to Part VI: Revenge of the Darksided