[Missed the last part? Here is it: Part VIII: Never Hold A Grudge]
“Seven Days,” the Japanese girl whispered like a ghost. Well
I assume she was Japanese since she finished her sentence with a one of those
Japanese School Girl giggles, I guess it could have been one of those Cosplay White
Girls. “Your library book is seven days overdue. You are going to have a late
charge of 50 cents if we don’t receive it by tomorrow morning.”
“FIFTY CENTS! What is this, some sorta racket!?” I
exclaimed. “You’ll get your damned book back,” I added before hanging up the
phone in anger. Seriously, fifty cents? What am I, made of money? I grabbed the
borrowed copy of the “Necronomicon Ex-Mortis” off the nightstand and was about
to head out the door when the phone rang again.
“Yeah, I got it, I’m on my way--” I answer with an
exasperated sigh.
“EW GROSS!” the voice exclaimed, less sexily. “Is Stephen
there?”
“Wait, didn't you just say you wanted Nancy?”
“That’s just my nickname for boyfriend. So is Stephen there
or what?” he asked sassily.
“Sorry, kitten, you got the wrong number,” I said, slamming
the phone down, only to have it ring again a second later. This time I was
smart and looked at the caller ID next to the phone. “976-3845” the box display
read. I recognized the number immediately, and the call was coming from inside
the house! I could tell because it was my neighbor Karen Black’s cell phone
number and she was standing in my breakfast nook, holding her cell phone up to
her ear making a call to me. Such a strange woman, that Karen.
“They’re here…” she said, in her creepy wonky eyed way.
“Why are you--” I started to ask when the front door blew
open. Like, totally blew-up-open-off-the-hinges shit and splintered against the
wall. There, standing in the doorway, was a Zuni Hunting Fetish Doll! “You
again?!” I exclaimed in confused dismay, instantly regretting that I gave Karen
Black an extra key to my place. The Doll made a garbled noise and chomped its
teeth before flying at Karen Black’s face. She screamed as it bit into her
cheek with its razor teeth, pulling off half of her face. She fell to the floor
like Amanda Bynes doing a Lindsay Lohan impersonation.
I screamed like a woman, because I’m a lady, and ran into
the bathroom and locked myself in. The Zuni Doll began to bang on the door in
frustration, then, a minute later, started to shove its tiny knife under the
door in a feeble attempt to stab the bottom of my feet, but I had taken a step
back and was out of range. Then it started to shove its little knife between
the door and the frame. I started to laugh, since cursed dolls can be pretty
stupid, but stopped short when I realized that it was using the knife to jimmy
the door open.
“Crap,” I said as the lock clicked and the door flew open.
It didn't miss a beat and leapt straight towards me. “Not the face! Not the
face!” I cried like a little bitch as I closed my eyes and waited for its death
blow. But then nothing came. I opened my eyes to see it literally rolling on
the floor laughing.
“Oh my god, you should see your face,” it said in Joseph
Gordon-Levitt’s voice.
“What the…” I trailed off in confusion.
“APRIL FOOL’S DAY!” Joseph said as he sat up and pulled off
the Zuni Doll mask all Scooby Doo style.
“But it’s not April Fool’s Day! It’s October 13th.”
“Yeah, April Fool’s Day, see,” he said, pulling out his
pocket calendar and pointing at the date, where it was clearly printed “April
Fool’s Day.”
“Where did you get that stupid calendar?”
“The 99 cent store.”
“Damn you, 99 cent store!” I bellowed, shaking my fist into
the air, “Damn You!” Then we made out and ate candied apples… if you catch my
drift…
HAPPY HALLOWEEN YA'LLS
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