[Back to Part 3-D: The Final Chapter]
As the Zuni doll flew towards me, all slow motion Matrix style, I turned and leapt out of the way, all Bionic Woman style, complete with that O.G. "da-nah-nah-nah-nah" sound effect, well in my head at least. The doll landed face first in the mud, but quickly regained its composure and started running towards me. I threw my prescription sunglass at its head. It didn't much care for that. Then I ran like a little bitch.
It was a spry little thing, and was able to keep a good pace. I tried to ditch it by running into a creepy cemetery. As I ran past the headstone for Britney Speers' Career, I tripped and fell, breaking the heel of my Jimmy Choo knock offs. I tried to crawl away, but froze when I saw a zombie lumbering towards me.
"It's coming to get you Frau Bella," taunted a drunken Kiefer Sutherland as he pointed at the Zuni Doll coming around the corner.
"Thanks captain obvious." I said, getting to my feet. He took another swig from the bottle he was carrying but tipped back a little too far and fell over, knocking his head on Britney's headstone. I kicked my shoes off, and started running just as the Zuni doll stopped next to Kiefer's lifeless body and stabbed it right in the eye, twenty four times, for good measure.
I ran out the other side of the cemetery up a silent hill and into new housing development. It was near dark, and a fog started to roll in, so I hid behind the last house on the left, hoping to ditch the Zuni doll. When I peered around the corner, I saw a figure moving through the fog. As it got closer I could make out a pirate hat and sword.
"Oh Johnny, you've come to rescue me! I knew you would!" I squealed, running out from my hiding place. "You didn't bring that kooze Vanessa with you, did you?" As I ran closer, I could see that it wasn't Johnny after all. In fact it was some half decayed zombie pirate leper. He pointed at my gold bracelet, as if to indicate that my returning it to him would lift some ancient curse placed upon me when my ancestors caused his ship to crash into the rocks so that they could steal his gold, or at least that is what I thought he was saying, it was hard to tell, he didn't have a tongue.
"Fine, here," I said, tossing the bracelet over to him. Just as he caught it, the Zuni doll emerged from the fog and lunged for his face, stabbing him right in the eye, er, rather, empty eye socket. This pissed off the zombie pirate leper, and then they started to fight. I didn't stick around to see what happened.
Twenty eight days later, I sued the crap out of Oprah's estate, after all it was very traumatic, and I won everything. I was relaxing, rolling around in my vault of money, when my agent called. Jane Fonda had in turn sued me, claiming that the independent feature film I produced was a rip off. The courts ruled in her favor and she was going to donate all of my money to charity.
I screamed and bolted awake, it had all just been a bad dream on Maple Street. Just then, Oprah rang me, and offered me fifty million dollars to drive her across country. Sure fifty million bucks could get my independent film, "Fraubarella," into production, but I couldn't help but wonder if my horrible dream was some sort of omen or prophecy or something.
Nah, couldn't be…
Happy Halloween!
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