[Back to Part I: Almost a Massacre]
I stood, frozen in terror as the leather faced man raised his chainsaw and screamed "GOOOOOOD MORNING GOLDBERG FAMILY!"
"Huh?" I asked, perplexed. "There aren't any Jews in Texas!"
"Jews for Jesus!" Ty Pennington said, lowering the chainsaw. "And we're here to build them a new house for Extreme Home Makeover."
"I see. So, do you know if there is a Popeyes around here?"
"Nope, don't know."
"Useless fuck," I said, turning and walking back to the van. When I finally made it back to the van, I found Oprah gnawing on a dead armadillo that had been on the side of the road. This seemed to satisfy her hunger for now, so we both hopped in the van and kept driving.
Several hours later, the sun had set and a thunder storm had rolled in. I was getting a little tired, so I decided to pull off the road for the night. I wasn't quite sure where we were, since Oprah didn't splurge on the GPS option for the van, so we just kind of drove around. We finally saw a huge old house that was nested in between two large corn fields. We pulled up and parked.
"Let's go see if they have a room for the night." I said.
"It's gonna rain on your head."
"Yes, I realize that, and it wouldn't have been a problem if you didn't give Rihanna our only umbrella."
"-ella -ella -ella." Oprah added.
"Get the fuck out," I grumbled. Fuckin' Rihanna. We ran over to the porch, passing the large muddy hole of a half dug swimming pool, the storm water slowly filling it. I rang the doorbell, and when there was no answer, I knocked on the door, inadvertently pushing it open slowly with a creek.
"Hello?" I called out as I tentatively walked in. "I guess nobody is home," I said, turning to Oprah. "Come on, lets check the place out," and motioned for her to follow. We were half way up the stairs when we heard a ghostly voice loudly whisper, "Get out!"
"Guess they don't serve our kind here." I turned to Oprah and said, because as you know, I consider myself a "sista" ever since Chaka Khan recruited me into her chapter of the Black Panthers. Ain't nobody loves me better than Chaka. "I guess we can sleep in the van," I added.
We had almost reached the door when an evil pig headed demon materialized in front of us.
"Get out!" Rush Limbaugh growled.
"Well if you would move your fat ass, we would!" I yelled. "Get out!" he repeated. Realizing his logic was as dense headed in person as it was on the air, I had to think fast. I pulled a pack of Lemon Heads from my purse and hid the label. I rattled the box and taunted Rush. "Who wants some OxyContin?" Then I opened the box and spilled the Lemon Heads on to the floor [seriously folks, always carry a box of Lemon Heads, you'll never know when you'll need a placebo of some sort]. Rush hit the floor so hard he caused the house to shake so much that it began to collapse in on itself.
As Oprah and I ran out into the blinding rain, I tripped and fell into the muddy water of the half dug pool just the corpses of Ann Coulter and Nancy Grace floated to the surface. I screamed in terror when I realized that in fact they were still alive.
"If only we could get Muslims to boycott all airlines, we could dispense with airport security altogether." Ann started, followed by an in comprehensible squacking from Nancy. I screamed like a little girl [which is not okay, because I am a lady] and dunked Ann's head under the water, using her for leverage to get the hell out of the pool as fast as possible. Just as I pulled myself out the rain stopped and the house, Oprah, Ann and Nancy [not Wilson] were all swallowed into another dimension.
Well at least I still had the van, I thought to myself as I walked over to it, then cursed myself when I realized that Oprah had the keys. Damn her. I figured the best thing to do was try and get some sleep and then figure out what to do in the morning. I made a make shift bed out of corn stalks next to one of the fields and fell asleep right away. I was awakened the next morning someone yelling from in the corn fields.
"OUTLANDER!" he called out accusingly...
[Next: Part 3-D: The Final Chapter]
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