Spin me right round...

I was reading an article at NME.com about how Johnny Marr was going to be playing on the new Postal Service right after he finished playing on the new Miley Cyrus record, or was it Hannah Montana? I get them confused, all of these white girls look alike to me. Anywho, its crazy, who isn't he playing with these days, well, besides Morrissey. So naturally I started to scour the interweb to listen to some leaked tracks [you know, once I discovered the interweb wasn't just a delivery method for porno, it has actually been quite useful]. Just as the track finished loading there was an annoying knock at my door. I quickly slipped into my bathrobe and opened the door to find Jodie Foster [who looked like she was fresh from a Bad News Bears game] with two roughians standing behind her.

“Madame,” Jodie started, “you owe us 2.4 billion dollars.”

“First, Ms Foster, I would like to say that I am quite flattered, but these scissors don’t cut that way. And even if they did, just look at me.” I said with an open handed Vanna gesture to my hotness, “I wouldn’t have to pay for it.”

“Madame, my name is not Ms. Foster, I work for The Record Company—“

“The Record Company? Awesome, what does a bitch have to do to get a digital remaster of Gucci Crew II?”

“Madame, that is not why we are here.”

“Why not!?! Don’t you people realize the masters are degrading as we speak! Degrading. As. We. Speak!”

“Madame, you owe us 2.4 billion for illegally downloading album tracks from the Britney Spears album.”

“Miley Cyrus,” I corrected, or was it Paris Hilton?

“Same thing."

"I know, huh..."

"We will take a personal check.” Faux Jodie continued.

“Well I don’t have 2.4 billion dollars,” I lied. Of course I wasn’t going to give this Faux Jodie anything. I hadn’t even listened to the track yet, sure I was going to download it if it were any good, well I probably would have downloaded it if it sucked too, because if it sucked, I shouldn’t have to pay for it. If I was guilty of anything, it was second degree manslaughter, but I was never convicted, and the statute of limitations expired last year.

“Well, if you can’t pay us, then we’re going to have to smash some shit up,” Faux Jodie said, then did one of those silent instructive head nods to her roughians, who then shoved past me and started over turning my furniture and what not.Then they pulled out my collection of classic vinyl. When Faux Jodie pulled out my signed copy of Bob Denver’s Spoken Word I pleaded with her for mercy. She merely cackled and threw it mit viel spaß against the front steps.

Her roughians joined in the heinous act. I think one of them actually started to eat one of the records, I dunno, he wasn't quite all there. Then, just as quickly as they came, then turned into a black smoke and vanished, one of them even too my robe.

I was left standing there on my front porch, naked and shocked. How could The Record Company do this to me! I was a loyal consumer. I even made the immediate switch over to CDs back in the day... and sure they were overpriced, but they promised me that they price would drop when more people switched to the new medium... even though prices went up instead of down. If I was guilty of anything, it was trusting too much, that and the previously mentioned manslaughter... statute of limitations, fuckers, try and convict me now!