An Apple a day...

Dear friends, long story short, I have been waiting dutifully in line for five days to get my hands on a brand new iPhone. Well to be honest, I wasn't there the whole time, I paid some homeless guy five bucks and a carton of GPC cigarettes a couple of days ago to wait in line for me, he excitedly accepted, that Kevin Federline, he'll do anything for a carton of GPCs. So this morning, I popped back over to the store so that I could be there at 9:00 when it opened. I was surprised to find K-Fed MIA and a one Rufus Wainwright in his steed! He hasn't forgiven me for my review of his album, but really, he does sound like he is gargling jizz when he sings, and I wasn't just saying that because I loathed him.

8:15 AM
"Excuse me, but I believe this spot is reserved for me." I said politely, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, which is an impossible dream, since people are always coming up to me on the street begging for autographs and change.

"No way, sister, I bought the right to be here fair and square. Its amazing what a six pack of Keystone is worth on the street." He sassed, looking me up and down.

"Damn that K-Fed!" I cursed silently under my breath, then to Rufus, "Look, just because you are some privileged queen born into money, doesn't mean that you can bully your way in front of me. I represent the--"

"--Common Woman." He interrupted. I was going to say "Lollipop Guild" hoping the little queen would respect my reference to something Judy related, and all you have to do is lay your gaze on my sweet apple bottom and supple bosom to know that Frau is no Common Woman. So of course this little comment set me sideways, but I wasn't about to let him get the upper hand. I had to release my quick wit and give him the verbal lashing he deserved.

8:39 AM
"So I hear Hank Hightower is making an appearance at the Yum Yum Donuts. He is promoting his new "Glory-Donut Holes" this morning. I'd think you would like to be there first, you know, to get in on all the glory." I suggested.

"Whatever." he said blithely. Damn, this was going to be tougher than I thought.

8:42 AM
"Fag"
"Hag"

8:58 AM
The hour was drawing near, and I was growing desperate. There was no way that I was going to play second chair, I absolutely needed to get that iPhone first, damn it. YouTube! I could have YouTube on my phone for the love of god! My heart started to beat faster as my thoughts began to run chaotically trying to devise a plan to get this big red lobster man out of my way!

"I had to leave my condo to come to this?" I asked rhetorically. "I'd hate to come down to your level and become a BW, A basic woman, but if you don't get out of my way, it's gonna get scandalous."

"Okay, you can have my spot." He finally offered.

"Really?"

"PSYCH!" he screamed then began to laugh. I couldn't take it, so I pulled a Pumpkin, and spit my gum into his hair. But he was un-phased, his laughter growing to maniacal levels.

"You don't think I had worse in my hair? I've been to key parties at Travolta's house! Bitch please."

I was about ready to shank him (after all, what else us a girl to do?) when the front doors opened. Damn him. There was nothing I could do now, I almost didn't want the phone anymore, but I figured I could just lie about it and say I was first in line. Nobody would know otherwise. We both walked in, and I stood anxiously behind him at the register.

"Welcome to Boost Mobile, how can I help you?" The store clerk asked politely.

"Yeah I need buy more minutes." Rufus said. SCORE! This sucker wasn't even buying the phone! What an idiot! That means I wouldn't have to lie [because Frau would never lie! Lies make baby Jesus cry].

"Lindsay, where you at?" Rufus chirped into his phone after completing his transaction. "You know where I'm at. I'm just checking into rehab again." Lohan chirped back.

"Sweet, maybe we can grab lunch this afternoon." He replied before skipping out of the store.

"Miss, what can I help you with?" the clerk asked me.

"iPhone! I want the iPhone! Give it to me, NOW!!!" I impatiently demanded.

"Sorry Miss, you can only get that through AT&T right now."

"Nooooooooooooooooo!" I screamed, as I fell to my knees. "Damn you Steve Jobs!"