Time after Time

I was down at the Taco Bell getting some Doritos Tacos (I mean really, why had this not happened sooner?!?) when I spied a very young looking Jackie Stallone. Impossible, I know, but the headband was unmistakable. 

"Yes, tis, I, Jackie." she said before I could even say a word.

"Goddamn you are psychic!" I squealed. "Quick, what are my lottery numbers!?"

"Frau, I'm sorry, I'm not psychic, I'm a Time Lord."

"But you aren't Brit--"

"We all can't be fucking David Tennant now can we," she interrupted testily. "Anyway, I am looking for a new companion to journey with me through time and space."

"Well, I do have a hair appointment this afternoon, but if you got a time machine, I guess you can still get me back in time..."

"My Tardis is parked around back, it's the blue MINI Cooper."

"What? Isn't it supposed to be a police box?" I said, sounding a little disappointed.

"How many police boxes do you see in Long Beach?" she asked rhetorically. "Do you want to do this or not?"

"I guess, sure..." I grabbed my Doritos Tacos and we were walked out into the parking lot. "So it's just like a regular old key?" I asked when she pulled a key out of her bra.

"Yes, and it--" she started to say but I bonked her on the head and snatched the key from her hand before she could finish. I popped in and drove off before she hit the ground.

... and that's the story of how I got a time machine. I don't know what happened to Jackie, I leave those time line conundrums to the nerds... and you know what, these things really are bigger on the inside... ooo, I wonder if Madonna's snatch is really a Tardis in disguise...

Pennys from Heaven

I went down to the Penny's the other day with the goal to pick up that gold thimble for Pygar, after all, his birthday is coming up and since I didn't get it for him for Christmas, I thought why not. But who are we kidding, I went back for more boots. Their clearance rack is to die for, I mean really, I'll cut a bitch for some cute boots on clearance. Oh and did I mention the 60% off sale? I know, Right?!

As I walked up, I noticed a creepy old crone standing out in front of the entrance.

"Don't go in there!" she scowled as I approached the door.

"Why, what's going on?" I inquired, excited by the prospect of some hot gossip.

"We're boycotting because they hired that lesbian Ellen as their spokesperson."

"'We?'" I said with a chuckle. "You got a mouse in your pocket?"

"Yes, me and the others," she said, pointing to another pair of trolls lurking by the ashtray. The other two scuttled over to form a line to block the door. "We're the One Million Moms, and we don't like lesbians cramming their agenda down our throats." 

 

"Well, there looks to be about three of you, and I doubt there has been anything crammed down your throats in quite a while."

"We refuse to have homosexuul values forced on us!" the one that looked like the Crypt Keeper coughed.

"Oh, okay, so you don't want 'their' values imposed on you, but it's perfectly okay for you to impose your 'values' on me? Man, talk about hypocrisy!"

"Hippo what?"

"Exactly," I scoffed "Look, I ain't got time for your triflin'! There is a sale going on, and your archaic thought processes will be dead soon enough. Now move."

They linked arms and dug in their heels defiantly. I could have easily pushed them over, but I had a better plan [and besides there were security cameras around]. I pulled a stale pack of GPC cigarettes that I kept in my bag for such occasions. As I shook it in front of them, their hungry eyes lit up like Newt Gingrich getting new wife. Then I opened the pack and scattered the cigarettes on the ground. They all hit the floor screaming and clawing at each other's faces while scrambling to grab the cigarettes.

As I sashayed by, I may or may not have kicked on of them in the face. Who cares about a little blood on my shoes, I was about to get some new ones!

Happy Mardi Gras Season!

... Santorum on yer dress...

Sh*t Frau Bella Says

Pizza Pizza

I was reading a news story about that lady who went to Papa Johns, no, not Kristy Alley on a bender, but that Lady Chinky Eyes woman. Seems like everyone is up in arms about what the Papa Johns Pizza Chef/Cashier put on her receipt. I really don't understand what the big deal is. I go there all the time, hell, I was just there last night and scored myself a large pizza and some Tuscan Cheese Sticks... those bitches were authentic too! Well, I'm guessing, all I know about Tuscany I learned at the Olive Garden [I hear that have a great culinary institute there]. Anywho, everytime I go, they never ask me for my name, but they always get my order right, and after I looked at my receipt, I don't know what the problem is...

After Hours

So I went down to the Penny's to find a gold thimble. My friend, Pygar, collects thimbles and after last year's Christmas debacle, I figured I'd keep it simple. The lady at the counter directs me to the elevator, which is all old timey with an honest to god elevator operator. He's kinda cute, and I'm totally smizing at him, but he was immune to my powers [read: queerer than a three dollar bill].

He takes me to the ninth floor, which is weird, because I don't think the building had nine floors. I exit the elevator and see there is nothing on entire floor other than a couple of busted up display cases and some raggedy Joan Collins looking mannequins. I turn to leave and see the queen and the elevator has disappeared, leaving me stranded.

"I'm glad you finally made it back, Marsha," I'm startled by a voice behind me. I turn to see that it is actually Joan Collins.

"O.M.G! Joan, I'm such a big fan! I loved you in 'Empire of the Ants!' That was some fine work you did there," I exclaim. "You know, come to think of it, I haven't see you in a while, is this where you've been hiding?"

"Yes, Marsha, you know it has been. Have you enjoyed your time living among the humans?"

"What'chu talkin'bout, Joan? You been nipping Jackie's Juice again? Unless she's got a sister named Jan, I don't know who Marsha is, and I'm most certainly not her."

"Marsha, Marsha White. You've clearly forgotten who you are. But you'll remember soon enough. You're fifteen years late, it's now my turn to live among the humans."

"Gurl, you so crazy." I say with a laugh, but my smile drops when she starts in with the crazy eyes and moving toward me. "Gurl, you so crazy," the seriousness of my words reflected in the change in my tone. Just as she was about to grab me, I totally Jackie Chaned her right in the throat, causing her to lose balance and fall to the ground, where she literally split into pieces.

"Guess that many plastic surgeries will do that to a gal," I remarked to myself. Then I saw that she was wearing a pair of Prada Boots. "No sense in letting those lovelies go to waste," I thought as I pulled them off her feet.

So I didn't get Pygar his gold thimble, but whatever, I walked out of there with a posh new pair of boots. And everyone knows, bitches can't resist a pair of boots.