Worst. Pokemon. Ever.

Spoilers: Pacific Rim

So the movie starts with some narration talking about how these giant monsters called kinkajous are coming out of a giant vag that’s in the middle of the ocean. So fast forward, one of these kinkajous is off the coast of Alaska and the dude from Sons of Anarchy and his brother hop into Mecha-Godzilla and run off and kick the monsters ass, but not before the one brother get ripped out of the head of Mecha-Godzilla and gets eaten. 

So Sons of Anarchy guy gets all sad and quits the Mecha-Godzilla program and becomes a construction worker building a giant wall along the coast of Alaska, since I guess the Mexicans are fed up with crossing the border through the desert and now trying to get into Alaska for all the farm work that they have in the future.

Then it’s like five years later again, and Stringer Bell comes to get Sons of Anarchy back into the Mecha-Godzilla program. And at first he was all, “no,” but then Stringer Bell was like “You can die, or you can die in a Jaeger!” And then Sons of Anarchy was like “’Merica!” Hell, even I was ready to sign up, I mean who wouldn’t want to die in a Jaeger Bomb! WOO HOO SPRING BREAK! 

So Sons of Anarchy goes to Hong Kong with Stringer and they meet up with that naked bitch from Babel, and I’m still trying to figure out why Stinger is talking in some British accent. So then Owen and Charlie show up, and Charlie is like some science nerd kinkajou aficionado and Owen is like all gimpy.

Then Stringer is showing Sons of Anarchy around the Thunderdome, where all the Mecha-Godzillas are, and I was like, “Damn, bring on Tina!?” But instead we get like some Russians with bad bleached out weaves, some Asian basketball players, and some Aussies played by some old dude and Warlow. It’s pretty awesome that this movie has all of the cultural stereotypes of a Jerry Bruckheimer flick!

Cut to Charlie and Owen, and Owen is like, oh the next instance is going to be like two kinkajous and then three, until the planet is over run. But Charlie is all, “we should totally mind meld with this brain that I have that is still alive.”

Then Sons of Anarchy is all play fighting with everyone, and Babel Bitch is all “pishaw,” so Sons of Anarchy is like, “bring it on, Babel Bitch.” So they fight and she kicks his ass and then he is all “she is my new pilot,” but Stinger is like, “no way.” But then later Stringer gives Babel Bitch some little red shoe to show her that he is a friend of Dorothy or something and then she is in the cockpit with Sons of Anarchy. So they’re all doing a mind meld and Sons of Anarchy all watching some Godzilla film like in some future immersive 3D with some little girl carrying a red shoe while being chased by some giant crab monster, and I’m like “Drop that shoe and run, Bitch!” So she is like hiding by a dumpster and then a Mecha-Godzilla comes and kills the monster and the guy comes out of the Robot and ITS STRINGER BELL!  I did not see that coming!

Charlie ends up doing a mind meld with the brain, so then he is telling Owen and Stringer that the Kinkajous are just genetic bio-weapons used for like pre-terraforming or some other plot point. Then BLAM, suddenly there are two kinkajous coming out of the ocean vag. So all of the Mecha-Godzillas are deployed except for Sons of Anarchy and Babel Bitch [because the bitch almost blew up the Thunderdome]. So like the Chinese basketball players jet off in their three armed robot and the Russians, not be out done, are all like Steampunk Cos-Play in their total communist bloc robot. So they’re like fighting and they both die, then Team Australia is all, fighting the monsters, but somebody forgot to pay the electric bill, so they totally lose power. Then one of the monsters is jetting off to downtown Hong Kong to find Charlie. So then Warlow and his dad start shooting sparklers at the giant monster, who is all pissed because like fireworks make him anxious and he forgot his Thunder Coat. So the monster is about to eat a Vegemite sandwich when like Sons of Anarchy and Babel Bitch show up! And like my mind is BLOWN! Talk about surprising twists! So they’re all fighting the monster, who is like underwater one minute, but then standing in knee deep ocean water the next. So then they kill the one and chase down the other before it eats Charlie with its Electric Daisy Carnival tongue. So they’re all fighting and suddenly the monster grabs Mecha-Godzilla then BLAM suddenly its fucking Rodan! And Rodan flies up into space with Mecha-Godzilla, and Sons of Anarchy is all “oh fuck, we’re dead. We have nothing left.” But then Babel Bitch is all, “not quite, sucka!” and a big red button magically appears that says “Sword” on it. I mean, talk about luck! It’s just a shame that it wasn’t there earlier when they were all punching the monster before it turned into Rodan, because then they just could have lopped its head off from the get go. 

So they kill Rodan and fall from space but land in the stadium, probably a soccer stadium, so it wasn’t really important. Then everyone is like “YAY!” and even Warlow is like “you guys are like so fucking awesome” but he says it not with words, but a nod and a smile. Classy!

Then the two remaining Mecha-Godzillas are going to blow up the inter-dimensional vag while Charlie and Owen mind-meld with a dead monster baby, and they discover that the plan is going to fail because like they need like a monster DNA passcode to go into the vag. They fly back to the Thunderdome, because I guess there is no cell service where they were, and tell the two Mecha-Godzillas right before they drop a bomb. So then Sons of Anarchy and Babel Bitch cut this one kinkajou in half with their sword [good thing they remember that they had it this time!] while Stringer and Walrow drop the bomb to blow up the category 5 kinkajou. So like it’s raining dead fish for a second because the ocean water went away, then came back and Sons of Anarchy and Babel Bitch are like dragging half of the one kinkajou to use as protection to enter the trans-dimensional vag, and they’re like “oh shit, number five alive!” when the super kinkajou shows up again. Mecha-Godzilla kills Johnny Five and they use his passcode DNA to falling into the vag. So Sons of Anarchy ejects Babel Bitch because she was all like “I’m tie-tie, Imma take a nap now.” So then he is all alone, falling through the super-space tube coming out the buh-hole on the other side. Then he sees the cute little aliens on the other side, and he is all “BLAM BITCHES” and he ejects from Mecha-Godzilla right before blowing it up. Then he quickly slides back into the buh-hole as if it were a used Twink after Gay Pride, then the whole alien planet blows up and the vag is closed forever. 

So both Babel Bitch and Sons of Anarchy surface in the middle of the ocean and she thinks he is dead and is all hugging him because apparently she doesn’t know CPR, and he is like, “bitch, I need my space,” and then the rescue helicopters fly past them. Not sure why the helicopters didn’t stop to pick them up, maybe they were going to Mickey D’s because it was McRib season and were going to pick them up on the way back.

Then, finally, Ron Pearlman cuts his way out of the dead monster baby and is all “I said CHA CHA HEELS! Black ones!”

And Scene.

... tell Mom "HI" from jail, Dad... !

“Ma’am, are you okay, ma’am?” The Officer asked, shining his flashlight in my face.

“Huh?” I said, as the fog lifted from my brain and I began to register where I was, “This is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful—“

“--Ma’am, you were behind the wheel of that large automobile,” he interrupted, nodding his head in the direction of a rented U-Haul truck, “when you rear-ended this Toyota Camry here. Can you tell me what happened?”

My mind raced as I tried to piece together the details. Then I remembered my hair stylist, Mary F, called me up and asked me if I would help her move. Now this bitch ain't one for day labor, that’s what the parking lot of Home Depot is for, but she said that she only needed somebody to drive a U-Haul truck for her, and that she would give me a free cut and color [not it’s not that the carpet doesn't match the drapes, but I thought I could mix it up a bit with some highlights or something, and lord knows I have a hard time saying no to free shit, so of course I said I would].

I showed up at her place and the U-Haul was all loaded up, she had even crammed some funky smelling plants in the front passenger seat. When I had asked her why she didn't just stick those in her car with the rest of her herb garden, she told me that she had to split up the garden, just in case. It struck me as odd, but whatevs, free cut and color. Besides, she has always been a little wacky anyway.

I had been driving down the 405, the smell of the plants filling the cabin of the truck, when traffic had slowed to a stop. But there was something in my head that told me not to stop, just to keep going—

“Oh my god, its just like ‘The Happening,’” I cried out to the cop as the pieces clicked into place. The cop looked puzzled. “You know, the movie, the one with Marky Mark!” I said. The cop still didn't register. “The one with the plants that make people kill themselves!”

“Sounds like a dumb movie.”

“It was, but that’s what happened! It was the plants, they were trying to get me to kill myself, they’re turning on us!” I exclaimed pointing to the plants in the cab while pulling my t-shirt up over my mouth and nose to filter out the brain controlling plant pheromones. The cop walked over to get a better look at the plants then came back and pushed me onto the trunk of the Camry. At first I thought he was being a bit forward, but he was pretty hot, so I was game, until he started to read me my Amanda Rights [or whatever they are].

“What are you arresting me for?!” I protested as calmly as I could with my face pressed against the trunk of a car in totally a not-as-fun-as-the-fantasy-is kinda way.

“Ma’am, you are under arrest for transporting a highly potent strain of marijuana plant. This plant is so potent that even being next to the plant will get you higher than balls.”

“But this isn’t my stuff, I swear,” and just as I was saying it, I wondered what percentage of the people on the show Cops were only guilty of being tricked into helping a friend move. The cop was loading me into his car when I saw Mary F nervously drive by with her car filled with contraband plants.

I had better get more than a cut and color out of this shit…

Abraham Lincoln once said...

A new fitness experience...

Bitches always be askin, "Frau, how come you always looking so fine and fierce?" I know I make it look effortless, but it takes a lot of work to look this fly. I thought it was going to be hard once I had to close my gym membership [fucking Drew Barrymore] and I tried all of the fad workouts [screw P90X... and Insanity is just crazy!]. 

Then I met a very special lady named Joanna Rohrback. It was like meeting my special spirit animal high up in some exotic mountains somewhere in the Ancient Orient... I was skeptical at first, I mean who wouldn't be, she insisted we meet at Lincoln Park near the Japanese garden [hence my previous Ancient Orient analogy, I know, it was a bit of a stretch but at least you can see where I was able to draw a line]. Once we started, it was like the clouds parted [which they did, because the marine layer started to burn off] and I was exposed to a whole new approach that unified both mind and body in the ultimate fitness experience. I felt like was was on "E," but without all of those annoying PLUR kids. I literally [figuratively] transcended. Who needs an over priced gym membership, when you can Prancercise! 

And then, as if the gift of Prancercise was not enough, Joanna Rohrback showed me how to twerk like I've never seen a bitch twerk before! Thank you, Joanna, thank you for this gift!

One of those days...

... has this ever happened to you, where you are out and about and you see some woman out of the corner of your eye, and thats not really your deal, but she is looking kinda fine, rocking some hot side boob and all... and you think to yourself, these scissors don't cut that way, but damn, if I were to ever scissor up a bitch, it would be that fine piece of over there... so you turn to fully check her out, because why not, and then you realize that the fine piece you've spied is actually your reflection in a shop window... and then you giggle and wink at your reflection... ug, that's the kinda day I've had... !

Reduce, Recycle, Reuse...

Everyone knows that I’m very environmentally conscious… I mean, it was Earth Day last month and all! On which I spent the whole day gathering cans to recycle. Granted it was pretty easy [I found tons of shopping carts near Downtown just filled with them!], but still what were you doing on the 10th of last month? That’s right, not loving mother Earth like this bitch loves a mother. I’m not saying that I’m better than you, but that’s all I’m saying.

So when I was at the recycle center I was also dropping off my old Gateway Computer to recycle. What can I say, I’m a sucker for cow print packaging… it makes me giggle… cows the shape of boxes… that shit is hilarious! Anywho, the guy was all, “we don’t recycle electronics, you have to take it to a special electronics recycling center,” and he directed me to some place in Wilmington called “Totally Legit eRecycling.” Which sounded legit to me, and off I went.

“So you guys wipe the hard drives and stuff, you know, before you ship this stuff out to be dismantled by children in India, right?” I ask the guy as I plop my computer on the counter.

“Yes, of course, of course,” the gentleman said, sliding the computer toward his side of the counter with a smile.

“Do you ever wonder how their deft little hands know just where to find all of that tiny copper wiring,” I mused to the man. He stared at me blankly. “You know, for the recycling.”

“Yes, of course, of course,” he said.

“Now, you are sure that you guys wipe the hard drives, right?”

“Yes, of course, of course,” he reassured me. Which didn't really reassure me, but the place seemed legit, after all, it was in their name. And if you can’t have faith that businesses are going to look out for you, then what do we have?

So fast forward, the sun in shining and I’m feeling pretty damned good about myself, then I remember all that recycling I did, and I feel even better! Until I get a text from my BFF, Pygar, directing me to some website called “Naked White Bitch Bathroom Selfies.net” and that there is totally a picture of me there. Which I think is impossible, because I only ever took one bathroom selfie [which I was going to sext to Channing Tatum but he keeps changing his number... it’s a little game we play, him and I], and that pic was on my old computer that I had recycled. So there is no way that it could be me, because the guy at the eRecycling place assured me that they'd wipe the drive. Of course, I go to the site to verify this forgery, but then blam, there it is!

Oh well... at least I wasn't making a "duck face"... then I'd really be embarrassed.

P.S. Look at me, Channing. It's all for you!