A new fitness experience...

Bitches always be askin, "Frau, how come you always looking so fine and fierce?" I know I make it look effortless, but it takes a lot of work to look this fly. I thought it was going to be hard once I had to close my gym membership [fucking Drew Barrymore] and I tried all of the fad workouts [screw P90X... and Insanity is just crazy!]. 

Then I met a very special lady named Joanna Rohrback. It was like meeting my special spirit animal high up in some exotic mountains somewhere in the Ancient Orient... I was skeptical at first, I mean who wouldn't be, she insisted we meet at Lincoln Park near the Japanese garden [hence my previous Ancient Orient analogy, I know, it was a bit of a stretch but at least you can see where I was able to draw a line]. Once we started, it was like the clouds parted [which they did, because the marine layer started to burn off] and I was exposed to a whole new approach that unified both mind and body in the ultimate fitness experience. I felt like was was on "E," but without all of those annoying PLUR kids. I literally [figuratively] transcended. Who needs an over priced gym membership, when you can Prancercise! 

And then, as if the gift of Prancercise was not enough, Joanna Rohrback showed me how to twerk like I've never seen a bitch twerk before! Thank you, Joanna, thank you for this gift!

One of those days...

... has this ever happened to you, where you are out and about and you see some woman out of the corner of your eye, and thats not really your deal, but she is looking kinda fine, rocking some hot side boob and all... and you think to yourself, these scissors don't cut that way, but damn, if I were to ever scissor up a bitch, it would be that fine piece of over there... so you turn to fully check her out, because why not, and then you realize that the fine piece you've spied is actually your reflection in a shop window... and then you giggle and wink at your reflection... ug, that's the kinda day I've had... !

Reduce, Recycle, Reuse...

Everyone knows that I’m very environmentally conscious… I mean, it was Earth Day last month and all! On which I spent the whole day gathering cans to recycle. Granted it was pretty easy [I found tons of shopping carts near Downtown just filled with them!], but still what were you doing on the 10th of last month? That’s right, not loving mother Earth like this bitch loves a mother. I’m not saying that I’m better than you, but that’s all I’m saying.

So when I was at the recycle center I was also dropping off my old Gateway Computer to recycle. What can I say, I’m a sucker for cow print packaging… it makes me giggle… cows the shape of boxes… that shit is hilarious! Anywho, the guy was all, “we don’t recycle electronics, you have to take it to a special electronics recycling center,” and he directed me to some place in Wilmington called “Totally Legit eRecycling.” Which sounded legit to me, and off I went.

“So you guys wipe the hard drives and stuff, you know, before you ship this stuff out to be dismantled by children in India, right?” I ask the guy as I plop my computer on the counter.

“Yes, of course, of course,” the gentleman said, sliding the computer toward his side of the counter with a smile.

“Do you ever wonder how their deft little hands know just where to find all of that tiny copper wiring,” I mused to the man. He stared at me blankly. “You know, for the recycling.”

“Yes, of course, of course,” he said.

“Now, you are sure that you guys wipe the hard drives, right?”

“Yes, of course, of course,” he reassured me. Which didn't really reassure me, but the place seemed legit, after all, it was in their name. And if you can’t have faith that businesses are going to look out for you, then what do we have?

So fast forward, the sun in shining and I’m feeling pretty damned good about myself, then I remember all that recycling I did, and I feel even better! Until I get a text from my BFF, Pygar, directing me to some website called “Naked White Bitch Bathroom Selfies.net” and that there is totally a picture of me there. Which I think is impossible, because I only ever took one bathroom selfie [which I was going to sext to Channing Tatum but he keeps changing his number... it’s a little game we play, him and I], and that pic was on my old computer that I had recycled. So there is no way that it could be me, because the guy at the eRecycling place assured me that they'd wipe the drive. Of course, I go to the site to verify this forgery, but then blam, there it is!

Oh well... at least I wasn't making a "duck face"... then I'd really be embarrassed.

P.S. Look at me, Channing. It's all for you!

Do you ever wonder... ? Sylvia Plath Edition

I wonder what would have happened if Sylvia Plath had her own baking show. Maybe she could have been fulfilled by her love of baking and the quest to make the perfect German's Chocolate Cupcake... incidentally, did you know that its not German Chocolate Cake... but rather German's Chocolate Cake, and that its not German at all! I know, right!? 

The More You Know!

Scouts Honor

So I was walking out of the Rite-Aid after picking up a prescription [long story, lets just say, "Six Degrees of Taylor Swift" is not a fun game to play] listening to the new My Bloody Valentine album on my headphones. As I exited the store I was greeted by a pair of little boys standing by a folding table selling tins of popcorn. One of them was talking to me but I couldn't hear him over the reverbic swell of Kevin Shield's white noise.

"---buy some popcorn to support our organization?" I heard the boy finish after I popped my earbuds out.

"Like I would support your shitty homophobic organization." I scoffed.

"But--"

"--but nothing!" I interrupted. "For an organization that is supposed to be 'protect and serve,' or some shit, its certainly filled with a bunch of elitist bullshit. If sexuality has no place in your crappy Scouts, then why does your organization support an out right ban?"

"But--"

"I'm not finished!" I interrupted again. "Those poor little queer kids want to learn to make a fire out of twigs and tie fucked up knots just as much as you little straight kids. In fact, knot tying more of a practical skill for them, since they'll be able to use those skills when they start going to those nasty BDSM clubs. So fuck your shitty elitist club!" I added, just before flipping their table over, scattering tins of popcorn on the ground.

"Excuse me, but what the hell are you doing?!" a woman was yelling as she ran up to us.

"Oh, so you must be one of these kids' mother, huh? Well let me tell you something, the Boys Scouts of America is a intolerant organization, and you should be ashamed to have your kids in--"

"Kids? This is my husband!" the woman said.

"Huh?" record scratch. I guess I should have noticed the one of the kids had a thick ass mustache and the a full grey beard.

"Yeah, lady, we're raising money for 'Lilliput.' Its organization that helps little people from being overlooked," the mustached guy said.

"What, do they buy you lifts or something? I'm sorry guys, I'm just really upset by this new My Bloody Valentine album."

"I know, right!?" the woman said.

"I mean, come on, twenty one years later and you give us 'Isn't Anything' part two?"

"But not as interesting!" the woman added.

"Oh snap!" I said, with a snap. I then apologized again for the confusion and bought all of their popcorn tins to make it up to them. The woman was helping me load them into my car, and as we closed the trunk I turned to her, "I'm sorry, its driving me crazy, so I just have to ask, how do they survive with such tiny little organs?!"

"I know, its totally weird. I just try not to think about it."

Do You Ever Wonder... ?

Do you ever wonder if hipsters, like, use a USRobotics dial-up 56K modem to download their porn? Like, do they totally troll Flea Markets and indoor swap meets to try and score one of those AOL free trial CDs. Or even for the super sleutly ones, a Prodigy disc. Or maybe even the super hardcore ones don't even use the interwebs, but they have a finely curated collection of Beta cassettes from the early 80's that they pilfered from the basement of that video store in Silverlake. Prized videoed with big hair both upstairs and down there... Sure, they could go even further back with some 8mm film reels, but that would be too easy. A truly dedicated hipster needs that extra little challenge, so it would be video all the way! 

... makes you think...

... nasty as I wanna be...

Now THIS is how you make an animated GIF, people... !

... anyone else suddenly hungry for a David Gandy, Ben Cohen sandwich... ?