Breakdown: Kanye "Bound 2" Video

The video opens with some great nature shots. Like real quality shit. This really cements that Kanye West is the Henry David Thoreau of our time and he is about to take us on a tone poem that puts Walden to shame.

 

Nature Shot.  

Nature Shot.

Nature Shot.

CGI Crow? Maybe it’s meant to be a dove but because its back lit
by the rising sun it just looks like a pigeon.

Fantastic shot of the Kardashian sisters. Love the cameo.

Then BAM, Kanye riding his Magic Motorcycle through the mountains.

Oh wait, did Kanye just turn into some chick?
Is it no coincidence that this came out on Transgender Awareness day?

Oops, changed back, now he is riding his Magic Motorcycle on water,
because Yeezuz don’t walk, bitches! The Motorcycle must be a gift
from his Dad, God, who is also Kanye... Holy Trinity Bitches!

Oh snap, Kanye must be on a short leash,
because his Kuntrashian wife done showed up,
gurl, run a comb through that ratchet hair!

Okay, Kanye ain’t mad, he just pickin her up for a Sunday
ride through the mountains. Who needs backroads, when you can fffffllly! 

He rappin' this shit out of this song [like for real, are you even listening to the lyrics? “How you gon' be mad on vacation?” Really, that’s some deep shit right there… a juxtaposition… cause you are on vacation and you are supposed to be having fun and being relaxed, so the last thing you should be is mad, amirite?]

Uh oh, what happened? Now he sad.
Eyes on the road, Kanye, we wouldn’t want you to crash into a tree!

BAM, that bitch shows up again. Now are they driving backwards?
I mean, because her hair totally isn’t in her eyes anymore.

More [c]rappin, now with constellations of Kanye in the background.

HA HA, looks like they doin’ it…

Wait, what the… are they doin’ it?

Yup, they fuckin.

Bitch bumped her head on those
handlebars one too many times…
thought she was Beyonce with that lighting…

  By the way, whats up with her hair? 
It defies all laws of physics and aerodynamics!
I take back what I said about your hair...
it ain't ratchet... its MAAAGIC... !

… and Yeezus wept.

So there you have it... if you want to watch this golden gem of artistry that has been blessed upon us, the common plebeians, then here you go. Make sure to give it the appropriate rating on Kim's YouTube page.

 

PURE. GENIUS! For some reason I feel like watching "Showgirls"...

... humor can be a little alien...

Secret Taco...

So apparently its NATIONAL TACO DAY... or so says El Torito... ! 

Huzzah! I mean who doesn't love a free taco... so how does one score a free taco from El Torito? Just whisper "Secret Taco" to the server... ... what in the who now?! Maybe its just me... but if I'm whispering "Secret Taco" to anyone I expect to be lead through a dark alley into a backroom where a selection of freshly trafficked Taiwanese Lady Boys will be presented for me to choose from.

Lawrd, child, I would have LOVED to been sitting on the marketing meeting where this was developed. Picture it: California. A conference room filled with old white men.

Old Generic White Business Man #1 "Lets put an ad in the 'Pennysaver!'"  

Old Generic White Business Man #2 "No, no, I've got it, lets have a printable coupon."

Old Generic White Business Man #3 "Don't be ridiculous, lets just save time and have them say 'secret taco.'" 

All of the interns snicker, "Crispy or soft!?"

Old Generic White Business Man #3 "We'll give them the option."

o.0

Well, I'd certainly would prefer NOT to have my Secret Taco Crispy... ouch...! I definitely plan on spending the rest of today whispering "Secret Taco" to people and just see where the day takes me... Taiwanese Lady Boys? SNAKE EYES!

... break from the chains...

You know what, Wilson Phillips, I would like to believe you, I really would. There has been a lot of pain, but I just don’t think I can do it anymore. I want to turn around and say goodbye to the Kardashians, but much like bedbugs, they just keep coming back. They gave Kris her own daytime talk show for fucksake! 

I just don’t think I can hold on for one more day. Now I’m all for owning responsibility for my actions, I did not watch the MTV Video Music Awards, I mean MTV doesn’t even show videos anymore, what the hell are they awarding? But that didn’t stop Miley Cyrus’s freaky ass giraffe tongue from being plastered all over the interwebs. Talk about holding me down and making me cry! 

I’m waiting for things to go my way, but how may times can I say “one more day?” I’m clingin’ to the precipice, hangin’ on by the tips of my Lee Press-Ons [and if this shit weren’t French Manicure, I would have plummeted long ago]. I survived through the K. Stewart years, and thank jebus that Twilight shit is finally dead, but yet still Justin Bieber lingers and that schlub Seth Rogen is still making movies! How is that even possible?! I keep waiting for Rod Serling to step out and punk me Thanksgiving [and or Fourth of July] Marathon style. 

So I’m telling you now, Carnie, Chynna, and Wendy, I will be holding on for just the one more day, and I swear to god, if things don’t change, I’m gonna hold you bitches down and give you something to cry about.

You've been warned...



Oh and WTF, Syria...?

Bananas are good for you!

So I was doing my daily catching up on the HuffPo... thats what the kids call it, if I have to explain it to you, then yer too old and should be catching up on your NCIS or whatever it is on CBS that you watch... but anywho, so they post this article with the lead as "The Most Awkward Ad You'll See all Day" [or some shit, I'm paraphrasing because I partially can't be bothered].

Now that ad is for some mascara that sorta makes a joke on men's packages [junk, bulges, man meat, sock monkeys... you catch my drift], and to connect the dots, the men keep the mascara in their pants to give the illusion of length, which is what mascara does to eyelashes, get it? Its a joke. Anywho, Its not an awesome ad, its just kinda silly middle of the road mildly clever. But then I read some of the comments, granted not all were negative, but by the reaction of some people you'd think that it was porno!

"That was....horrific."

"Try explaining that ad to your 6 year old!"

Bitch why are you showing this to your six year old... hold on while I flag you and call social services...

... Okay, I'm back, so the point of my rant is, society needs to stop being all uppity about the fact that men have junk in the front. Girls, just stop being squicked out by peen.

"I can't! Its so threatening and aggressive!" I can hear some bitch protest. Well bitch, its a dick, not a gun. Sure it could shoot yer eye out if you aren't careful, but the most you'll need is a tissue. Long story short, we've been told for years that women's bodies are gorgeous and beautiful and that we should paint and embrace our vaginas, while conversely, men need to make sure that they hide their shame behind unflattering underwear and board shorts because "ew"... well damn it, its like to erase that double standard, because there ain't nothing wrong with the sight of a guy at the beach sporting in a Speedo.

There isn't anything inherently "offensive" about a wang, we just need to stop being all puritanical about it... Trust, the vag isn't exactly the beautiful blooming flesh flower that Georgia O'Keeffe would lead us to believe... its more like a gash with a Sarlacc Pit in the middle... and believe me, my Boba Fett action figure has got some stories! 

So lets just dance this shit out like this guy... ain't no shame in his game!