So the movie starts with some narration talking about how
these giant monsters called kinkajous are coming out of a giant vag that’s in
the middle of the ocean. So fast forward, one of these kinkajous is off the
coast of Alaska and the dude from
Sons of Anarchy and his brother hop into Mecha-Godzilla and run off and kick
the monsters ass, but not before the one brother get ripped out of the head of
Mecha-Godzilla and gets eaten.
So Sons of Anarchy guy gets all sad and quits the
Mecha-Godzilla program and becomes a construction worker building a giant wall
along the coast of Alaska, since I guess the Mexicans are fed up with crossing
the border through the desert and now trying to get into Alaska for all the
farm work that they have in the future.
Then it’s like five years later again, and Stringer Bell
comes to get Sons of Anarchy back into the Mecha-Godzilla program. And at first
he was all, “no,” but then Stringer Bell was like “You can die, or you can die
in a Jaeger!” And then Sons of Anarchy was like “’Merica!” Hell, even I was
ready to sign up, I mean who wouldn’t want to die in a Jaeger Bomb! WOO HOO
SPRING BREAK!
So Sons of Anarchy goes to Hong Kong with Stringer and they
meet up with that naked bitch from Babel, and I’m still trying to figure out
why Stinger is talking in some British accent. So then Owen and Charlie show
up, and Charlie is like some science nerd kinkajou aficionado and Owen is like
all gimpy.
Then Stringer is showing Sons of Anarchy around the
Thunderdome, where all the Mecha-Godzillas are, and I was like, “Damn, bring on
Tina!?” But instead we get like some Russians with bad bleached out weaves, some
Asian basketball players, and some Aussies played by some old dude and Warlow.
It’s pretty awesome that this movie has all of the cultural stereotypes of a Jerry
Bruckheimer flick!
Cut to Charlie and Owen, and Owen is like, oh the next
instance is going to be like two kinkajous and then three, until the planet is
over run. But Charlie is all, “we should totally mind meld with this brain that
I have that is still alive.”
Then Sons of Anarchy is all play fighting with everyone, and
Babel Bitch is all “pishaw,” so Sons of Anarchy is like, “bring it on, Babel
Bitch.” So they fight and she kicks his ass and then he is all “she is my new
pilot,” but Stinger is like, “no way.” But then later Stringer gives Babel Bitch
some little red shoe to show her that he is a friend of Dorothy or something
and then she is in the cockpit with Sons of Anarchy. So they’re all doing a
mind meld and Sons of Anarchy all watching some Godzilla film like in some
future immersive 3D with some little girl carrying a red shoe while being chased
by some giant crab monster, and I’m like “Drop that shoe and run, Bitch!” So
she is like hiding by a dumpster and then a Mecha-Godzilla comes and kills the
monster and the guy comes out of the Robot and ITS STRINGER BELL! I did not see that coming!
Charlie ends up doing a mind meld with the brain, so then he
is telling Owen and Stringer that the Kinkajous are just genetic bio-weapons
used for like pre-terraforming or some other plot point. Then BLAM, suddenly
there are two kinkajous coming out of the ocean vag. So all of the
Mecha-Godzillas are deployed except for Sons of Anarchy and Babel Bitch
[because the bitch almost blew up the Thunderdome]. So like the Chinese basketball
players jet off in their three armed robot and the Russians, not be out done,
are all like Steampunk Cos-Play in their total communist bloc robot. So they’re
like fighting and they both die, then Team Australia is all, fighting the
monsters, but somebody forgot to pay the electric bill, so they totally lose
power. Then one of the monsters is jetting off to downtown Hong Kong to find
Charlie. So then Warlow and his dad start shooting sparklers at the giant
monster, who is all pissed because like fireworks make him anxious and he
forgot his Thunder Coat. So the monster is about to eat a Vegemite sandwich
when like Sons of Anarchy and Babel Bitch show up! And like my mind is BLOWN!
Talk about surprising twists! So they’re all fighting the monster, who is like
underwater one minute, but then standing in knee deep ocean water the next. So
then they kill the one and chase down the other before it eats Charlie with its
Electric Daisy Carnival tongue. So they’re all fighting and suddenly the
monster grabs Mecha-Godzilla then BLAM suddenly its fucking Rodan! And Rodan
flies up into space with Mecha-Godzilla, and Sons of Anarchy is all “oh fuck,
we’re dead. We have nothing left.” But then Babel Bitch is all, “not quite,
sucka!” and a big red button magically appears that says “Sword” on it. I mean,
talk about luck! It’s just a shame that it wasn’t there earlier when they were
all punching the monster before it turned into Rodan, because then they just
could have lopped its head off from the get go.
So they kill Rodan and fall from space but land in the
stadium, probably a soccer stadium, so it wasn’t really important. Then
everyone is like “YAY!” and even Warlow is like “you guys are like so fucking
awesome” but he says it not with words, but a nod and a smile. Classy!
Then the two remaining Mecha-Godzillas are going to blow up
the inter-dimensional vag while Charlie and Owen mind-meld with a dead monster
baby, and they discover that the plan is going to fail because like they need
like a monster DNA passcode to go into the vag. They fly back to the
Thunderdome, because I guess there is no cell service where they were, and tell
the two Mecha-Godzillas right before they drop a bomb. So then Sons of Anarchy
and Babel Bitch cut this one kinkajou in half with their sword [good thing they
remember that they had it this time!] while Stringer and Walrow drop the bomb
to blow up the category 5 kinkajou. So like it’s raining dead fish for a second
because the ocean water went away, then came back and Sons of Anarchy and Babel
Bitch are like dragging half of the one kinkajou to use as protection to enter
the trans-dimensional vag, and they’re like “oh shit, number five alive!” when
the super kinkajou shows up again. Mecha-Godzilla kills Johnny Five and they
use his passcode DNA to falling into the vag. So Sons of Anarchy ejects Babel
Bitch because she was all like “I’m tie-tie, Imma take a nap now.” So then he
is all alone, falling through the super-space tube coming out the buh-hole on
the other side. Then he sees the cute little aliens on the other side, and he
is all “BLAM BITCHES” and he ejects from Mecha-Godzilla right before blowing it
up. Then he quickly slides back into the buh-hole as if it were a used Twink
after Gay Pride, then the whole alien planet blows up and the vag is closed
forever.
So both Babel Bitch and Sons of Anarchy surface in the middle
of the ocean and she thinks he is dead and is all hugging him because apparently
she doesn’t know CPR, and he is like, “bitch, I need my space,” and then the
rescue helicopters fly past them. Not sure why the helicopters didn’t stop to
pick them up, maybe they were going to Mickey D’s because it was McRib season
and were going to pick them up on the way back.
Then, finally, Ron Pearlman cuts his way out of the dead
monster baby and is all “I said CHA CHA HEELS! Black ones!”
And Scene.
