Weinergate

I had just wrapped my hair and was almost ready for bed when my phone pinged with a message. Naturally, I grabbed my phone, I had been waiting to hear back about the screen test for the Wonder Woman pilot I did. I had some great ideas about the costume too, I just know that people are gonna love it. Anywho, so I check the message, which was sadly wasn't a call back, it was a picture tweet from my friend Pygar. Needless to say, when I saw the picture I was shocked [and, well, a little impressed].

I quickly dialed him up. "What the hell, Pygar?" I asked after he picked up his phone. "Whats with the bugle-o-gram?"

"My Twitter account was hacked, and somebody sent that picture to everyone in my address book," he said in his calm cool voice.

"Oh so that isn't you?" I tried to mask my disappointment, not that anything ever happened between us, but hey, a gal was suddenly giving some thought on the subject.

"No, not at all."

"So then why haven't you sent out a follow up tweet saying that it wasn't you and that your account was hacked?" I asked. He got quiet for a moment. Then it all clicked. "OH, I get it--"

"I mean--" he tried to interrupt.

"--who cares if people think you are blanket sexting the interweb, as long as they walk away with the impression that you are hung like a Andalusian donkey."

"Really, what's the crime here?"

"I have a feeling you aren't thinking this through. You don't know women like I do, and I don't mean that in a Scissor Kisses kinda way." I said when my other line beeped. "Anywho, I gotta go, I've got another call." I clicked to the other line and started to say, "Hell--" when I was cut off by an anxious sounding woman.

"Hey, you hang out with Pygar, right? Is he dating anyone? Can you arrange a meet up for a sister?"

"Who the hell is this?"

"Chelsea."

"Who?"

"Chelsea Handler."

"Who?"

"I--" she started.

"I'm sorry, Mrs 'what-ever-you-said-your-name-was,' how did you get this number?" I asked as my other line beeped again. "Oh hold on, I've got another call." I clicked to the other line, "Hello?"

"Hey, is this Frau? This is Snookie, I hear you are good friends with Pygar the Angel, can you tell him--"

"Lordy Lou!" I exclaimed, before hanging up on both of them and shutting off my phone for the rest of the night.

This morning, when I turned my phone back on, I dismayed at how many messages I had!

I haven't had this many messages since I flashed my panties on the red carpet [so what if they were crotchless... the Kids Choice Awards needed a little spicing up anyway... its only in the past few weeks those damned Jonas Brothers have finally stopped calling]. Anywho, I was a little bummed when not a single one of the messages this morning was for me... why bitches gotta be callin' me?!

... just an FYI...

Kill Kill Kill... Ma Ma Ma...

I was driving through the canyon on my way to an audition [because that's what we do in LA], the sky a beautiful blue and RuPaul's Glamazon pumpin' through the speakers. It couldn't be more perfect. The stars were aligned and Fortuna's Wheel was finally spinning in my direction! I had scored an audition to be in the pilot episode of the new Wonder Woman, I was totally excited because this show is going to be huge come the fall season... HUGE I tell you!

Then I noticed a black SUV careening all over the road and headed straight for me. I jerked the wheel to the right in order to avoid a collision and plowed into a ditch only to have the oncoming SUV veer further towards my direction. That’s when Fortuna's Wheel took a hard left as the SUV clipped my car.

I got out just in time to see the SUV roll three times. The back popped open just before it came to a stop, spilling Asian beauty queens all over the road. I ran over the SUV just as Connie Chung and Maury Povich were pulling themselves from the wreckage.

"Way to enforce the stereotype, Connie!" I said.

"What? Because I'm a woman, I can't drive?" she sneered.

"No, because--"

"--what? Because I'm Asian, I can't drive?" she interrupted.

"No--"

"--what? Because I'm old, I can't drive?" she interrupted again.

"Yeah, that’s the one."

Maury tried to say something but for some reason had a ball gag in his mouth.

"Maury wants you to guess which one of the ladies is really a man." Connie interpreted from Maury's grunts. Maury shook his head, as if trying to say something else. Connie narrowed her eyes at him, and he then seemed to concede to what she had said.

I paused for a moment, reflecting on the pageant queens as they smiled and batted their eyelashes. I was about to make my decision when I heard the wail of sirens off in the distance.

"Shit, it’s the fuzz! Let’s go Maury!" Connie demanded. He stood his ground and shook his head. Connie then pulled a small revolver out of her purse and pointed it at Maury's head. "MAU! MAU! DIDI MAU!"



Maury began to weep as he ushered the Asian pageant queens into the surrounding woods followed closely by Connie. They had disappeared into the shadows just as the police pulled up.

"Ma'am, we're looking for a couple who are wanted for human trafficking. They were travelling with a group of Asian men. Have you seen anything strange?" the officer asked. I was shocked with disbelief as I silently pointed in the direction that Connie and Maury had fled. My world had officially been turned upside down, and not in the fun Diana Ross kinda way. Boy you turn me, I just couldn't believe that all of those beauty queens were men!

"They're on their way to the old Crystal Lake camp grounds," the officer said into his radio, then he turned to me and asked, "Are you okay ma'am?" After a beat, I was able to regain a little composure.

"I thought 'Chung' was a Chinese name..."

A Grave Situation

I went to Target the other day, since Lady Gaga has made it okay for me to shop there now--and that is the last I will hear of it--the LAST, got it! You don't know how much I love and miss my Target, and from here on out I will be taking the "ignorance is bliss" approach to it. One might say I'm actively "Sarah Palin-ing"--granted "ignorance" would be too generous of a word to use in the context of that idiot savant [sans the savant].

But I digress. So I spied [with my little eye] some chip clips designed by Michael Graves on the discount end cap [what a score, right?]. So, naturally I snatch them up like a Lohan in a jewelry store [well except that I actually paid for them]! When I get home, I notice that there is actually a picture of Mr. Graves on the back of the packaging.

Now in my mind, I have always pictured him as looking like a ruggedly handsome man's man. After all, its a fact that all designers look a bit like Ben Cohen. They frolic gracefully in sunbeams of divine inspiration... and then he takes my hand, kisses it gently, and guides me gently to his--




Er, sorry, where was I... ? Oh yeah, Michael Graves. So yeah, this picture they've used on this famous designers packaging is quite possible the worst picture they could have picked!



What the hell is up with that eye!?! Is he channeling Forest Whitaker? I don't know where he is looking! Seriously, couldn't they have just gone with a simple profile shot? Hell, photoshop that eye in place for fucksake, you are a designer after all! An architect, sure, but whatever, you could handle it! But then again, maybe that's why he's so successful, he's can see the bigger picture--you know--literally, since his field of view is so much larger... just a thought... hmmm... I wonder if there are any rugby games on...

Silence is Golden

I had heard everyone going on about this “Black Swan” movie, so I figured I’d go check it out with the gift card I had gotten for Christmas. Generally speaking, I hate gift cards, just give me cash, you know? Then I don’t have to go to some lame store that you happened to have been at when you thought you’d pick me up a present. I mean really, when the hell am I going to go to effing Walmart. Have you seen those people?!? Well, at least I could use a movie gift card.

Anywho, so I’m watchin’ the movie, and Princess Amidala is like freaking out and touching herself where her bathing suit covers when this lady behind me starts talking at full volume to the person next to her. I turn and give her “the look,” you know, the look that says “shut up, you inconsiderate whore.” But she keeps right on talking. So of course I fully turn around in my seat in order to properly turn up the glare. She glances at me but doesn’t stop talking.

“Are you kidding me with this?” I ask.

“Aye, guera, whats your problem?” she said with a sneer.

“I understand that this may be a new experience for you, you know, actually going out to watch a movie in an actual theatre, rather than a DVD in the backseat of your “sancho’s” Escalade, but we, the audience, neither need nor want, to hear your conversation. In fact, it’s what we, polite society, refer to as a common courtesy. Now kindly, shut the fuck up.”

“Do we need to take this outside?”

“No, you need to take it outside.” I said as I threw my large soda in her face. She screamed as her painted on eyebrows began to run down the sides of her face. As she ran out of the theatre with her friend, the audience applauded me. The cost of a twenty dollar soda is a small price to pay to be a social vigilante, but worth it.

Unfortunately, by the time I resettled in my seat and turned my attention back to the movie, Princess Amidala was totally scissoring it up with Jackie [from that one show about the 70’s…I forget the name of it]. “Well this makes no sense,” I muttered to myself quietly, if I wanted to see a movie about dancers lezing out, I would have stayed at home at watched “Showgirls.” And as I got up to leave, I noticed the audience was filled with guys. Every last one of them with large buckets of popcorn placed firmly in their laps.

Christmas Wrapping

So last night I was at the mall finishing up my holiday shopping. I was at a loss as to what I should get my friend Pygar, I mean really, what do you get a blind angel? I was wandering aimlessly at the Nordstrom when I spied, on the other side of the store, a lone Hello Kitty toaster on an empty endcap. You know, the one that toasts an image of Hello Kitty on your bread. Adorable… and on sale… so it was perfect.

I bolted across the packed store. In dramatic slowmotion, I lunged over Jermaine Jackson, who had just bent down to look at some luggage. I nearly lost my footing on the landing, and pushed passed Taylor Swift, ironically shoving her into a discount bin while simultaneously blowing Jake Gyllenhaal a kiss. “Call me,” I mouthed, and just as I was able to lay my hands on the little toaster, I was stopped in my tracks my Elizabeth Taylor.


“I’ll take that!” she sneered as she grabbed the toaster

“No way! I saw it first,” I protested, also grabbing the toaster.

“Just try and take it from me,” she growled, pulling the toaster toward her.

“You think you can take me on, sister? I’ve beat the best of’em. I beat down Imelda Marcos at a Payless for a pair of Mary Jane’s, and it wasn’t even a BOGO!” I said as I pulled the toaster in my direction.

“Well, looks like what we have here is a Mexican Standoff,” she said as we glared at each other.

“Indeed,” I added. We stood there, frozen in time, for what felt like an eternity. Wham!’s “Last Christmas” played roughly 15 times in the background.

“You know what, in the spirit of the season, you can have it,” Liz conceded, releasing the toaster.

“Well, you know, that’s really ni—“

“WHITE DIAMONDS!” she screamed and threw dust in my eyes. My hands instinctively went to my eyes, dropping the toaster. I could hear her grabbing the toaster and scuttle off, as I rubbed the dust from my eyes. “Sucka!” I could hear her cackle as she ran off. Sometimes I really hate Christmas.

My Two Cents: Toy Story 3

So now that I’m on this stupid watch list, I’m only allowed to see movies that are G rated. So I figured I would watch Toy Story 3 on the Netflix and see what all the hubbub is about. Well let me tell you, there is some dark ass shit in there. I mean really, the whole scene where the toys are trapped in the incinerator… there is something extremely dark about watching Kübler-Ross’ “Five Stages of Grief” theories enacted by innocent toys as they slowly approach death… oh poor Bullseye, hes stuck in denial stage… unlike Buzz Lightyear, he shot straight to acceptance! I could have sworn I was watching a lost scene from Ingmar Bergman’s “Winter Light,” except “Winter Light” was less depressing!

But then, the alien toys work the magic claw and save the other toys from the evil volcano and their near fate of being the reincarnated Thetans trapped in Tom Cruise. Thank goodness, I say, at least we don’t have to hear Woody’s Thetan spirit explaining what a “reach around” is to poor Jessie’s Thetan.

And I don’t even want to mention when Buzz gets jail raped by the nursery school toys. I’m pretty shocked that this didn’t get a hard “R” rating. I guess those cats a Pixar can get away with pretty much anything… oh yeah, there are spoilers in my review...