I went down to the Penny's the other day with the goal to
pick up that gold thimble for Pygar, after all, his birthday is coming up and
since I didn't get it for him for Christmas, I thought why not. But who are we
kidding, I went back for more boots. Their clearance rack is to die for, I mean
really, I'll cut a bitch for some cute boots on clearance. Oh and did I mention
the 60% off sale? I know, Right?!
As I walked up, I noticed a creepy old crone standing out
in front of the entrance.
"Don't go in there!" she scowled as I
approached the door.
"Why, what's going on?" I inquired, excited by
the prospect of some hot gossip.
"We're boycotting because they hired that lesbian
Ellen as their spokesperson."
"'We?'" I said with a chuckle. "You got a
mouse in your pocket?"
"Yes, me and the others," she said, pointing to
another pair of trolls lurking by the ashtray. The other two scuttled over to
form a line to block the door. "We're the One Million Moms, and we
don't like lesbians cramming their agenda down our throats."
"Well, there looks to be about three of you, and I
doubt there has been anything crammed down your throats in quite a while."
"We refuse to have homosexuul values forced on
us!" the one that looked like the Crypt Keeper coughed.
"Oh, okay, so you don't want 'their' values imposed
on you, but it's perfectly okay for you to impose your 'values' on me? Man,
talk about hypocrisy!"
"Hippo what?"
"Exactly," I scoffed "Look, I ain't got
time for your triflin'! There is a sale going on, and your archaic thought
processes will be dead soon enough. Now move."
They linked arms and dug in their heels defiantly. I could have
easily pushed them over, but I had a better plan [and besides there were
security cameras around]. I pulled a stale pack of GPC cigarettes that I kept
in my bag for such occasions. As I shook it in front of them, their hungry eyes
lit up like Newt Gingrich getting new wife. Then I opened the pack and
scattered the cigarettes on the ground. They all hit the floor screaming and
clawing at each other's faces while scrambling to grab the cigarettes.
As I sashayed by, I may or may not have kicked on of them
in the face. Who cares about a little blood on my shoes, I was about to get
some new ones!
