So yesterday was a beautiful day, and I figured I would
take a little walk, you know, say goodbye to summer and hello to autumn and
what not... that, and my ass was hurting from sitting all day long. I swear,
those timeshare people are hard sellers! Of course I didn't buy one, what bitch
can afford a damned timeshare in this day and age. Man, they really made me
work for that free trip! Sure I was trapped there for five hours sitting in a
stale non-airconditioned room, but when my ass is on Catalina Island, I'll be
the one having the last laugh!
So a bitch really needed to work her stems a little bit,
you know, walk it out. Anywho, I'm enjoying a nice stroll around my
neighborhood when I am shocked beyond belief. Standing there, on the corner,
right in front of the school, is a little midget hooker!
"Just what do you think you are doing here?" I
demand as I immediately stride over.
"I'm waiting for my daddy." she answered,
clearly a little put off by my directness.
"Look sister, you ain't gonna find your 'daddy'
here," I said, making little air quotes when I said "daddy" to emphasize
my sarcasm. "This is a classy neighborhood, and I pay through the nose to
live here so I don't have to look at trash like you."
"I'm not trash, my daddy has my crown," she
said in a childlike voice.
"I don't care what kind of sick sex games you have
going on with your--well let's just call a spade a spade--with your PIMP!"
I spit out, "But we don't want your kind of business here you filthy
little freak!"
"I'm a living doll--"
"Shut your sluthole!" I said and slapped her
face. Of course she started to cry like a little bitch whore. Clearly she was
new to this game because she wasn't quite yet calloused and dead inside like I
assume most ladies of the night are. I sighed my contempt just as a rotund
woman with too much blue eye shadow waddled over.
"What's going on here?!" Blue-Eye Shadow
demand, putting her arms around the little tart.
"Oh, so you must be the "Madame" then.
Well, I was just learnin' this tramp a lesson." I said to her, then looked
back to the midget. "That's right, Whoreface, I'm talking about you!"
"How dare you talk to my daughter like that! She's
only six years old! We just won the 'Lil' Miss Sugar Pincess' Pageant!"
bellowed Blue-Eye Shadow.
"'We?' You got a mouse in your pocket? I doubt you won
the 'Lil' Miss Sugar' anything, unless it was a sugar pie eating contest. Why
is a six year old standing on the corner here dressed like Julia Robert's in
Pretty Woman?"
The woman scoffed, "My husband is pulling the car
around, and when he gets here, I'll be calling the police on you for assaulting
my daughter!"
"Oh geez," I said in a soft voice, kneeling
down in front of the little girl. "I'm so sorry that your momma thought it
was right to dress you like a prostitute. I should really be calling social
services, and I am really sorry that--WHITE DIAMONDS" I screamed as I
leapt up, throwing a handful of dirt right into that blue eye shadow, then I
ran like a whore who just got caught skimming from her pimp.
As I ran, I thought about calling social services, but
really, we probably didn't need to involve the authorities at this point...
right? Tit-for-tat?
