No... I wasn't detained at Gitmo...

Well, it’s been four long and scary months since I went into hiding. I couldn’t handle it. Sarah Palin had seemed to be working some sort of witchcraft over the nation, as if she had gotten some witchy blessing through some crazy fundamentalist church, of course that isn’t what happened, I mean come on, some crazy witch blessing, the American people wouldn’t vote into that as much as they would vote for a Muslim. But people were genuinely thinking about voting for her, because really, it wouldn’t have been a vote for creepy old what’s his name… anywho, long story short, the shit was freaking me out and I needed to get away. So I poured all of my money in the Stock Market, a wise investment if you ask me, and holed up in the Bomb shelter I secretly built on the Spelling Estate using old furniture while insulating the walls with the stacks of “So NoTorious” DVDs Candy had buried.

I had purchased enough supplies to last through the next four years, so I was set, broken off from the world, in a glorified Isolation Tank. Everything was fine for the first few months, but then I wasn’t sure it was months, because I had forgotten to bring a calendar, at really it felt like years. I tried to guesstimate the passage of time based how many Happy Days tapes I watched, I do have to say, I really think the show jumped the shark at the beginning of the 5th season, but I digress… the solitude started to make me a little crazy, or maybe it was all of the sugar and partially hydrogenated oils… a word of advice, never go shopping for the apocalypse when you are hungry, you’ll just end up with a bunch of Ho-Hos, Twinkies, and Chex Party Mix.

So after what felt like three years, I emerged prematurely, as I had gone dry on Cup Cakes and I was damn near to the last of the Vodka. Much to my disappointment, it had only been four months, but I was pleased to learn that the creepy old man didn’t win the election and the bimbo had a lovely parting gift in the form of a new wardrobe. Sadly, I had sorta let myself go, no worries though, I’ll just have to pull out some of my investment money and get myself liposuction as an early holiday present to myself…