Dear friends, long story short, I have been waiting dutifully in line for five days to get my hands on a brand new iPhone. Well to be honest, I wasn't there the whole time, I paid some homeless guy five bucks and a carton of GPC cigarettes a couple of days ago to wait in line for me, he excitedly accepted, that Kevin Federline, he'll do anything for a carton of GPCs. So this morning, I popped back over to the store so that I could be there at 9:00 when it opened. I was surprised to find K-Fed MIA and a one Rufus Wainwright in his steed! He hasn't forgiven me for my review of his album, but really, he does sound like he is gargling jizz when he sings, and I wasn't just saying that because I loathed him.
8:15 AM
"Excuse me, but I believe this spot is reserved for me." I said politely, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, which is an impossible dream, since people are always coming up to me on the street begging for autographs and change.
"No way, sister, I bought the right to be here fair and square. Its amazing what a six pack of Keystone is worth on the street." He sassed, looking me up and down.
"Damn that K-Fed!" I cursed silently under my breath, then to Rufus, "Look, just because you are some privileged queen born into money, doesn't mean that you can bully your way in front of me. I represent the--"
"--Common Woman." He interrupted. I was going to say "Lollipop Guild" hoping the little queen would respect my reference to something Judy related, and all you have to do is lay your gaze on my sweet apple bottom and supple bosom to know that Frau is no Common Woman. So of course this little comment set me sideways, but I wasn't about to let him get the upper hand. I had to release my quick wit and give him the verbal lashing he deserved.
8:39 AM
"So I hear Hank Hightower is making an appearance at the Yum Yum Donuts. He is promoting his new "Glory-Donut Holes" this morning. I'd think you would like to be there first, you know, to get in on all the glory." I suggested.
"Whatever." he said blithely. Damn, this was going to be tougher than I thought.
8:42 AM
"Fag"
"Hag"
8:58 AM
The hour was drawing near, and I was growing desperate. There was no way that I was going to play second chair, I absolutely needed to get that iPhone first, damn it. YouTube! I could have YouTube on my phone for the love of god! My heart started to beat faster as my thoughts began to run chaotically trying to devise a plan to get this big red lobster man out of my way!
"I had to leave my condo to come to this?" I asked rhetorically. "I'd hate to come down to your level and become a BW, A basic woman, but if you don't get out of my way, it's gonna get scandalous."
"Okay, you can have my spot." He finally offered.
"Really?"
"PSYCH!" he screamed then began to laugh. I couldn't take it, so I pulled a Pumpkin, and spit my gum into his hair. But he was un-phased, his laughter growing to maniacal levels.
"You don't think I had worse in my hair? I've been to key parties at Travolta's house! Bitch please."
I was about ready to shank him (after all, what else us a girl to do?) when the front doors opened. Damn him. There was nothing I could do now, I almost didn't want the phone anymore, but I figured I could just lie about it and say I was first in line. Nobody would know otherwise. We both walked in, and I stood anxiously behind him at the register.
"Welcome to Boost Mobile, how can I help you?" The store clerk asked politely.
"Yeah I need buy more minutes." Rufus said. SCORE! This sucker wasn't even buying the phone! What an idiot! That means I wouldn't have to lie [because Frau would never lie! Lies make baby Jesus cry].
"Lindsay, where you at?" Rufus chirped into his phone after completing his transaction. "You know where I'm at. I'm just checking into rehab again." Lohan chirped back.
"Sweet, maybe we can grab lunch this afternoon." He replied before skipping out of the store.
"Miss, what can I help you with?" the clerk asked me.
"iPhone! I want the iPhone! Give it to me, NOW!!!" I impatiently demanded.
"Sorry Miss, you can only get that through AT&T right now."
"Nooooooooooooooooo!" I screamed, as I fell to my knees. "Damn you Steve Jobs!"
Friday, June 29, 2007
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Call Me
So its official, I put the squash on my Jem cover band, Tori Amos kept talking to imaginary creatures on her keyboard, refusing to practice around them, and I'll be damned if Bjork's Misfits cover band didn't work the the shit out of the music tent and the Tri-State Fair grounds last month. It was too be expected, as Bjork and Beer Battered food just compliment each other so easily. Like Chocolate and Peanut Butter.
I entertained the prospect of a Carrie Nations revival, but it looks like original "Z-man" Phil Spector is going to be busy producing Paris Hiltons come back album. I hear the early title is "The Parisskank Redemption." So I'm done with singing, aside from my intimate solo work at The Broadway, but that's really just for the true fans. I like to give back to them.
So with my band officially dissolved, I was directionless. I didn't know where to go, or what to do. I was just left standing, alone in a world that's so cold. Well it wasn't that cold, but it has been a little overcast in the mornings, but I'm usually in bed sleeping it off, so that's not really standing, let alone in a world that so cold. With nothing better to do, I went into the local T-Mobile Shoppe to pay my bill, when inspiration struck me. Technically it was a Sony Erickson, and it hit me square in the noggin. I turned to see Naomi Campbell standing next to the display. The glass had been smashed and she was frothing at the mouth. Apparently her primal instinct had kicked in and she was chucking phones like ninja stars.
I dove behind the counter and tried to confront the scared store clerks as they cowered in terror. I assured them that she would run out of phones in a minute, and simply move on, that was her nature. To my horror, they informed me that they had just received a delivery and that Naomi could have enough ammo to last almost an hour. Clearly this would not do, as I had a lunch date with Jake Gyllenhaal.
I had to take action, as Frau is never that late to a lunch date. Its one of my mottos, never be that late to a lunch date. Of course you want to be a little late, you know, keep'em waiting and all. But not too late, because you never know when Kirstin Dunst is going to be lurking behind the decorative plants, waiting for the right moment to swoop in and declare the territory as her own. The bitch. And nobody wants Kirstin's sloppy seconds. I leapt from behind the counter and flew across the store, all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon style and kicked Naomi in the head. She went down like Kate Moss on a cocaine covered Pete Doherty.
The store clerks all carried me on their shoulders and declared me their savior, just as Catherine Zeta-Jones walked in and awarded me with the key to Wales. And that was when I decided my true calling was to become a vigilante. Well, for a couple of hours at least, until I found out that I couldn't find an invisible jet. Totally Lame. So I threw out my Feminum bracelets, and the magic lasso I had weaved with the hair I pulled out of Criss Angel's hair brush.
What's the point, really, if you don't have an invisible jet to travel in?
I entertained the prospect of a Carrie Nations revival, but it looks like original "Z-man" Phil Spector is going to be busy producing Paris Hiltons come back album. I hear the early title is "The Parisskank Redemption." So I'm done with singing, aside from my intimate solo work at The Broadway, but that's really just for the true fans. I like to give back to them.
So with my band officially dissolved, I was directionless. I didn't know where to go, or what to do. I was just left standing, alone in a world that's so cold. Well it wasn't that cold, but it has been a little overcast in the mornings, but I'm usually in bed sleeping it off, so that's not really standing, let alone in a world that so cold. With nothing better to do, I went into the local T-Mobile Shoppe to pay my bill, when inspiration struck me. Technically it was a Sony Erickson, and it hit me square in the noggin. I turned to see Naomi Campbell standing next to the display. The glass had been smashed and she was frothing at the mouth. Apparently her primal instinct had kicked in and she was chucking phones like ninja stars.
I dove behind the counter and tried to confront the scared store clerks as they cowered in terror. I assured them that she would run out of phones in a minute, and simply move on, that was her nature. To my horror, they informed me that they had just received a delivery and that Naomi could have enough ammo to last almost an hour. Clearly this would not do, as I had a lunch date with Jake Gyllenhaal.
I had to take action, as Frau is never that late to a lunch date. Its one of my mottos, never be that late to a lunch date. Of course you want to be a little late, you know, keep'em waiting and all. But not too late, because you never know when Kirstin Dunst is going to be lurking behind the decorative plants, waiting for the right moment to swoop in and declare the territory as her own. The bitch. And nobody wants Kirstin's sloppy seconds. I leapt from behind the counter and flew across the store, all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon style and kicked Naomi in the head. She went down like Kate Moss on a cocaine covered Pete Doherty.
The store clerks all carried me on their shoulders and declared me their savior, just as Catherine Zeta-Jones walked in and awarded me with the key to Wales. And that was when I decided my true calling was to become a vigilante. Well, for a couple of hours at least, until I found out that I couldn't find an invisible jet. Totally Lame. So I threw out my Feminum bracelets, and the magic lasso I had weaved with the hair I pulled out of Criss Angel's hair brush.
What's the point, really, if you don't have an invisible jet to travel in?
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